Wednesday, November 23, 2011

TOP 10 things I am thankful for USING PICTURES

My kids, my husband, my friends, my family, my car, tattoos, my house, our pet fish (gary), nights at the lake with my husband, and dove chocolate.


Thursday, November 17, 2011

What is happening in this chaotic house you may ask?

The same old thing, really. 

No, actually right now we are in the midst of potty training Dylan. He turns 3 in March, and while we have tried potty training before and buying pull-up after pull-up, I decided that it was time. I told J that this week since I would be having Dylan at work with me during the day....That  I REALLY REALLY would like to concentrate on Dylan and the potty. With my money giving and GaGa's M&M dispenser, it's been helping a lot....So, So far so good! We have had up to six accidents a day but today we have only had two. I know that he is ready to do this because he has been going to the potty by himself (today) and he clearly wants to potty. So wish us luck on that because I would like for him to be about 80% or fully potty trained by Sunday.

Mrs. Roy

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Another day another day another day

So the year has almost came and gone. It's November already & I can not believe it. The kids have already grown so much & it's amazing how it happens right before our very eyes.

Alexander- What is there to say about my straight A student? He is the only 7 year old I have ever met that isn't allowed to read books that are 'of age'. He is required by his teacher & the Librarian that he reads 4th grade and up books. I can seriously pride myself in how smart Alexander is.

Joseph- He is learning how to read things slowly but surely. J & myself have been working very hard at asking him how to spell certain things. One day he drew me a picture and wrote "Mom" and I was simply amazed that he figured it out. He knows how to write & spell everyone in our homes names. He is working on spelling other words such as cat & dog. He will be 4 soon & J and myself are trying to plan the best birthday yet for him.

Aiden- He is getting so much better with his speech. His speech therapist is very pleased with how quickly he is improving with his speech & is applauding us at home for working with him. He has started to write his name & recognize letters as well. A huge step forward for my sweet boy.

Miley- She has been such a Mommys girl lately. She also can spell and write her own name & she has been working on writing "Mom" and we are working on other words as well. She wants to write "Dad" and "John" but those are still yet tricky for her.

Dylan- I have been trying really hard with potty training but getting no where fast. I am telling my husband that we really need to eliminate the diapers & pull ups completely. He can speak clearer than any other 2 year old I have ever met and I know he comprehends more than most. Also, I have been working with him on being more independent. I am trying to teach him to put his own clothes & shoes on without getting frustraited. Even if he puts things on backwards it is a huge start from hearing "I'M the baby, I can't" and he cries. I'm sure while he still feels like he should be the baby, he will be starting pre-school soon and this mind set that he has is simply not going to work.

Gavin- He is going to be nine months old soon (insert sad face here) I can not believe this is happening. He is mobile but not quite how he should be. Instead of crawling he rolls around everywhere....He is eating stage 3 foods and he still does not have teeth. He is working on waving hello and goodbye...(we have got him to do it JUST a few times!) but all in all he just Gavin. He is smart, silly, and just beautiful.

Things for J & myself have been slightly stressful lately. We aren't fighting more than usual or anything like that. There has just been a lot of 'outside' problems that have been stressing us out. I'm sure it will get better soon, though!
I hope everyone had a great weekend!
Mrs. Roy

Saturday, October 22, 2011

You are important. I am important.

There are just some days I don't want to get out of bed and do anything. There are some days where I just feel like "Why bother?" but most days I have been feeling pretty darn good.

So anyway, with trying to stay positive with things, I have been having a hard time. I have been battling myself with the way I look and battling myself with how things are done. Some days, like the past few days, I have been feeling so unappreciated and unimportant.

Tuesday, I think it was, I didn't go to work because Dylan was sick. His Mom was also sick so I stayed home with him. J has come into some work so he was unable to be home with him so I could go to work. (his job is seasonal so he is trying to find some things to do for a little extra $ since we are so broke) I didn't have a problem staying home with him at all, in fact, it was nice having some 1-1 bonding time with him while Gavin did his own thing.

Friday I was feeling a tad bit discouraged when after I had dropped the boys off, their Mom had thought she had pink eye and text messaged me shortly after I had dropped them off. I offered to leave work and come get them, but she wanted to spend some time with them since she doesn't get to see them much. With understanding, I waited around for some kind of response in what I was supposed to do. J, was still doing this odd job, so he was unable to be the one who is on stand by. I was ready to leave and go home by 1pm & I offered to come get them since she had mentioned that she didn't have gas to drop them off at home. I figured that I would be on that side of town anyway so I might as well offer, if she did have pink eye. It never really came out whether she had the eye infection or not but they were put in my care around 1:30ish and I had to pick up Alexander by 3pm. So anyway, I called J and told him I had all five kids since I got the boys early, and I wanted him to come home so I could go get Alex and not have to haul all 5 to the school. He was unable to & so I could feel my temper rising.

I sat there and I wondered where these people would be without me. I was so ticked off by that point because its extreemly frustrating to take the kids places by myself. I need someone to help me, you know? So while I was feeling sorry for myself I finally broke out and told J how I felt. I told him, you know, I may just be the step mom but I do a hell of a lot for these boys with little to no help from anyone most of the time. I feel like sometimes I am taken advantage of because I am so kind, and I will continue to be so kind. It's not the fact of what I had to do it was the POINT of it all. The point of doing everything by myself. So here I am, throwing a fit about this, and what I wasn't seeming to understand that all of my anger and frustration shouldn't have been taken out on my husband because he was out trying to earn money for our family since we have none.

I don't even really think that I was angry. I guess just a simple "Thank you" from people would be nice sometimes. When I do things for people, when I clearly don't have to do anything for them, I just would like to receive a simple thanks. That is all. I don't need a billboard or a dozen roses..Just some kind of appreciation for picking up the slack as I usually do. I may just be the step-mom, but this step mom does every single thing that she is supposed to do and more. If  I didn't do the things that I do I would be frowned upon, and when I do do the things I do, it's frowned upon. So it's a lose lose situation in my world.

I am important. No one else can tell me otherwise. My husband said to me, while I was throwing my fit, that I was the most important person in the world & that he loved me. That simple sentence just made all of the difference in the world. I don't care what anyone says, it's nice to be recognized sometimes. And sometimes, at the end of the day, when I hear 5 little I love yous (soon to be six, I'm sure) I know that is my recognition. And it makes it all worth it.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Our family update(just incase you were wondering)

Ahhh, so I have been entirely too busy to sit down & write & I have the next 15 minutes alone so I shall see what I can come up with without being completely boring!

So a couple weeks ago the kids' pre-school teacher came over for a parent-teacher home visit, to speak with us about the kids. (More like, I talked to the teacher, the teacher talked to me about the kids, while J would say a word or a nod, lol.) Anyway she brought it to my attention that she noticed that Aiden's speech is terrible. You can understand him some what but mostly you can not understand a word he says. So anyway, she referred him to a speech therapist and she gave me a list of words and things to work on at home with him. He had his first meeting with his speech therapist after our meeting two weeks ago, yesterday, and I am happy to say that she said that he is improving and to keep up the good work at home!

Nothing really major has been going on in our lives lately. Everything has been going pretty smooth. Alexander is in cub scouts & doing awesome! Joseph, Aiden, & Miley are about to finish up with their first soccer experience, Dylan is as rotten and sweet as ever, and oh oh yes Gavin sits up by himself and he is way of transportation is to roll around everywhere...I guess he decided to screw the crawling business and roll, lol. He will be 8 months old on the 16th. I have no idea where these past 8 months have gone but I would like for my very last baby, ever, to stop growing up so fast!

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend & I will try to write more...Promise =-)

Friday, September 9, 2011

They are watching you.

Our children, our little brothers, our little sisters...They are watching every single move we make. Any time you do or say something you are influencing these little people around you.

My kids pick up on some hilarious things and not so hilarious things. Being the blended family that we are we can not always control what our children are subjected to, we can just hope that the other parents have enough sense not to let he children be around negative speak or acts.

Just recently my step-son Joseph has started calling everyone a bitch. I am not sure why he has done that because my husband nor I use that kind of language towards each other. And if for any reason we do say something like that we DON'T say it around the kids talking about someone else. He could have picked it up anywhere, really, I mean he does go to school. He does stay at his Mothers house every other weekend and he does watch television.

It just amazes me how children are sponges. They are learning something new every single day.

"Any parent wants their child’s life to be really smooth and that their children should not face many difficulties in life. They want to share all their life experiences with their children because as known by all that prevention is always better than cure. Firstly one should teach their children to be well mannered and even humble and down to earth. One should be humble so as to survive in this society and maintain good relations with people all around. If a person is not humble and well behaved then nobody would be friends with such people and such a person would have no stand in the society. Thus it is the duty of the parents to teach their children how to survive in the society. Parents should make sure that their children are well mannered and should know how to talk to their elders. Children should be taught to be really very adjusting and humble. Teach the children certain basic rules to survive in the society
Children should be taught to greet everyone in the family. Teach them to wish good morning when he wakes up and good night before going off to bed. Make this a part of his daily routine. This is considered as good manners."

While we are trying to teach our children to say please and thank you we also need to be teaching our children the importance of respect when they are speaking to us. At home when I tell the kids to do something, I expect a "Yes, Mom" or a "Yes, Nikki" (normally it's a yes Mom.) Yes ma'am and No ma'am I feel isn't necessary but from time to time I will catch one of the kids saying so to myself or J (yes sir, no sir)

7 times out of 10 our kids do not even listen to us the first time and when we are explaining to them something, and we do not get our results, there are consequences to those results. and an acknowledgement is necessary when we are done explaining. (thats where the yes mom and yes dad come into a effect)To many families are letting things "slide" and when you let things "slide" you have the child screaming at the top of his lungs and telling you to shut the hell up in the middle of the grocery store. Or the child (even adults do this! I am regretfully guilty of this one from time to time) that shows no respect for the elder walking like a snail in front of them, and whizzed by them  instead of asking if they need help, or giving them the TIME they need to get to the same destination you are trying to go too.

Most mornings Miley is the one who is known to say Good Morning to every one and every once and awhile we can get Aiden to do the same, and Dylan to do the same, our older boys haven't found that politeness yet and it's being worked on. I often wake up in a terrible mood and I myself find that mornings are miserable. So in return the kids are going to make it A LOT more miserable...But then again, my Mother was the same way and I'm sure she still is the same way. Mornings aren't her best moment in her life and we always were miserable in the mornings (love you Mom)... It's amazing how a simple Good morning could perk someone up and how still to this day I am a grump ass in the morning, so to speak. If we teach our children to be pleasant and to be happy they are awake and alive and its a new day, it's something they can pass on and on and on and on!

So many parents just get through the days with their kids. Wake up. Breakfast. School. Home. TV.
There are no family traditions or values or anything passed on. We live in a Jersey shore, facebook, and PS3 world. Where family nights means everyone is stuck in front of the boob tube watching the newest episode of the Kardashians or Spongebob instead of playing a good ol fashioned board game or just TALKING about their day..or rough housing..or anything like that...and in return our kids will be content with doing that with their children and before you know it, family will mean nothing. My husband and I make a lot of effort to make sure that the children know the importance of family and I hope that in return our children will do the same with theirs when they get older!

So just be aware. You are being watched!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Who is your God?

I will tell you my story as funny as it may sound to you. Some of you may roll your eyes at me and some of you may lift your hands to God and praise him. Some of you may completely ignore what I have to write and go on with your lives.

I was raised a Christian. As a matter of fact I grew up in a Pentecostal denomination church. Where people are baptized, speak in tongues, fall in the spirit, the whole bit. To an outsider it's terrifying. Seeing people speak some language that they have never even heard of and pass out on the floor as soon as someone touches their heads. Funny thing is, I know when I was a kid, I used to pretend I was speaking in tongues because it was fun and all of the adults were doing it..God did not speak to me in such a way for me to all of the sudden learn some kind of none-sense language. It was just that; none sense.

noting or pertaining to any of various Christian groups, usually fundamentalist, that emphasize the activity of the Holy Spirit, stress holiness of living, and express their religious feelings uninhibitedly, as by speaking in tongues.
When I was about five or so I had told my Mom I wanted to be baptized, and I was read Bible versus and baptized in my home boulevard apartment bath tub.

Probably far too soon I was traumatized when I was sexually abused by my step-father and after that my life changed for the worse. I started smoking, drinking, having sex, and denying God. I had a "serious" boyfriend who was totally atheist and I too had decided that I wanted to deny that Christ even existed. In the back of my mind I knew that God was real. But for whatever reason I had decided to tell the world that God wasn't real and everyone who believes in him is pathetic.. I listened to music about death, rape, and satanic rituals. I cut myself frequently and planned the perfect death. I did not care about dying because God wasn't real- neither was satan- and that was that. I would die and be gone from the pathetic excuse for this world and I did not care about how anyone else would feel. My Mom still made me go to church and I would find myself wearing things that would piss her off. I was rebelling against the world and my God-that "didn't exist."

When I got pregnant when I was 15 years of age, things slightly started to change. I started to try to perk up. I tried to go to church. I went and saw the passion of the Christ a little after my son Alexander was born and after that, my boyfriend & I broke up and my church going was still constant. But I still lived a huge life of sin. I still drank, I still smoked, I still was having sex (as obvious as that was) and I still hated God, My abuser, my Mom & my life even though I was "perking up" and the darkness started to go away little by little and the "Gothic" way that I was living started to go slowly but surely I was still in pain. I still longed to die.

I still struggled for the longest time on cutting. As a young Mother I was very depressed because I had ended up moving out of my Mom's house and moving in with a different boyfriend where I was shunned from the world. 16, no school, no job. Just me and my baby trying to make it alone in this world. I called upon the God that I denied and there was no one there for me. I thought that he had abandoned me too.

I buried myself in taking care of my baby and taking care of my boyfriend. I was pretending to be happy when I never was. I just wanted to be loved. That's all I ever wanted. I would have done anything and everything to make my boyfriend (who is my now ex husband) to be happy.

Off and on-off and on-off and on, I would go to church. I would tell everyone I was a Christian. But turn around and just go back to the same depressing routine of smoking, drinking, sex.

After I had gotten pregnant with my twins after I got married to my ex-husband things were going OK. I was still pretty depressed about my life since it was going absolutely no where. I wasn't even sure if I should have even gotten married. My new found husband didn't appreciate religion either and so it was very hard to pack up the kids and go to Church when he seemed to be so angry with God himself. My marriage, my life, everything went more into a downward spiral when I called upon God when my at the time husbands Father was dying on my first sons 3rd birthday (when I was pregnant with the twins). He died Februar 18th 2007. After that, My husband cheated on me with a girl whom I thought was my friend, God was no where to be found. I found myself hating him again. What kind of God sits back and lets all of these terrible things happen? I always wondered.

Fast forward to 2009. My marriage was complete shit (sorry if you mind cursing, I am not perfect, and I will still say things you don't like from time to time. Forewarning) I was extreemly obese and unhappy with 3 kids and a husband that I barely ever slept in the same bed with. My best friend was going through a divorce and having what I thought was a hard time (which I learned different soon after) and I supported her and got caught up in the mix of sex and threesomes to make my husband happy. When out of no where a bible verse popped into my head. AND A VOICE said to me..."If you do not stop, your marriage will be complete destroyed, and there is no turning back. There is NO fixing this." I completely ignored it. I can't tell you the exact verse as I am not very failure with the Bible. But it was about Sodom & Gomorrah. That was my warning. But I did not listen...and soon after my husband and my best friend messed around behind my back & that was the end of my marriage. I left. We got divorced.

Now some may say that is a blessing in disguise seeing as how I am happy now. But the fact is I ignored God's word and I ended a broken family which to this day I am still trying to mend my childrens lives from a divorce.

As I grow into a woman and as I have had many other life lessons with God I find myself being quite skeptical of the whole Christian Religion. I know that there is a God but I don't quite understand the rules that he has supposedly laid out for his. I don't understand the Bible & I don't understand why people live so faithfully by these stories. How do we know that any of this is true? Where is the proof? I do not know.

But I have found myself wondering about God and his greatness so much lately that the other day I had decided to give God a stab again. My Mother in Law , Stella, had been talking about how awesome her Church was (she had just found her faith again and I am so glad for her) so I thought to myself.."Why not?" and then my problems started. My plumbing went to crap. Theres money. My car stopped working. There was money. and I found myself crying in the bathroom at work talking to God.."Hello?! Are you there?! ARE YOU EVEN REAL? CAN YOU HELP ME?" In my upset time because of this money that was going to have to be dumped into all of these things. Luckily, my handy husband fixed my car. Things started to perk up. We still owe 111.00 for plumbing, but that still wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be.

Later on that evening sitting outside on my porch swing waiting for my son to come home from school, I prayed to God again. "Thank you, if you did answer my prayer, about the car thing, I don't know. But I do have a request, would you plant the seed in my husbands heart to learn more about you, I know that's impossible, but if you could, would you?" and when I picked up my husband from work..He plopped a book down that I had been meaning to read for Months called "23 minutes in hell." and I nonchalantly said to my husband something about "yeah I've been meaning to read that." and he said that he was going to read it. Woah, what? Really? Wow. Wow. Wow. My husband, I love him, but he is more skeptical about everything than I am. He doesn't even really believe in God. He isn't sure. He is very unsure. He doesn't believe in hell and for him to check out this book was very unusual. Then we talked about Church and he had said something about possibly, maybe, someday, going to check out a church.

While I am not holding my breath, the only thing I can do is pray and hope that he can find his way with me. I am not pushing and I am not going to change how I feel about my husband if he does not decide to go to Church and learn. But it would be an awful amazing thing to have a husband by my side learning, and even questioning if he wants to, about the creator of all things. I have never had that before. I can only hope.

By the way, the church I checked out today was quite awesome. They were laid back. Not flashy. Not pushy or arrogant, it was a nice change. and I took some of my Children to participate today for the first time and they LOVED it. They were excited about God and to me, that is OK. I want my children to have faith in something because I speak from experience when I say life without faith or hope is sad. and I want better for my kids.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

A new school year for the kiddos

Alexander started second grade on Friday, as hard as that might be to accept, it's true. I can't believe that my eldest child is in the second grade already. I am not sure where these past years have gone but I am sure scared to blink as I am afraid that the next 7 years will go by more quickly. I am savoring every single moment with my children. The good and the bad. The days where they drive me crazy and the days that they are perfect little angels.

Aiden, Joey, & Miley started their second year of pre-school today. I am excited for them especially for Aiden to work on his name and other important things for kindergarten! Miley also needs a lot of work and Joseph seems to be doing exceptionally well, which makes me very confident that he will breeze through this year and be more than ready for Kindergarten.

I am glad that Patrick has been able to make it this year to all of the kids first day of school because he never has before.(because of work)...It is a wonderful experience to share with your children no matter what age. I was slightly sad today when Joseph only had John to see him off to school. I know that I was there, and I know that I am important, but I just wonder if he tends to wonder why only 2 out of the 3 of the most important people in his life was there. Maybe he did not care, he didn't express that he cares, so I could be over thinking everything as usual!

OK SO on another big note! Joseph, Aiden, and Miley have started soccer! I am so excited for the three to get into sports. Miley didn't seem to like her first practice. I think that maybe she will end up liking it after they play actual games, but she might not. I am hoping that since it was so much money to put her in she might make some type of effort and then if she decides that she never wants to play again that is fine with me, we will find someone more "girly" for her to be in. I'm thinking tumbling because she is always doing flips and trying to do cart wheeles and other little gymnastics things.

What else is new? Nothing really, there is just our daily routine of work, school, sports, sleep. repeat! We are pretty BROKE right now considering school and sports and all of our bills that we have to pay. I REALLY hate not having money in the bank especially if something goes wrong (likkkeee the car breaks down God forbid) I know that if we ever need help we have people to turn to, but those people have already done so much for us whenever we are in need of help (which isn't often but often enough to be recognized)

Oh. Well there is one thing. You all can gasp right now, but no worries, just remember I have my tubes tied. I really really REALLY want another baby! I knew that this day would come when I would regret having my tubes tied. But my husband and I both know that this was for the best interest for not only US but our SIX children we take care of every single day. I mean, I am twenty three years old and I have more children than most 23 year olds would ever dream of having.  But I seriously would NOT have it any other way!

That is all for now folks, thanks for reading.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Shot gun wedding

The day I got married to John was one of the most happiest days of my life. I enjoy the fact that there wasn't a lot of extra money spent on something for our 10 minutes of fame. We had our Moms and Dads and my Grandparents come. It was very special to me to have my Grandpa sign as a witness as well as my friend Amber.

However talking to my almost sister in law today about weddings and planning and what not, I got a little sad that my wedding day wasn't a little bit more extravagant. My husband and I had planned on having a small wedding with very close family and friends. But when we ran into the problem where his family is so large that we did not want anyone to feel left out. We also ran into the problem of finding someone to marry us. I did not want a religious wedding at all. I didn't need to bible versus or any of that...and getting a JOP to come out and do a wedding is a little bit more harder than you'd think. So as our first anniversary has came and gone I was thinking to myself about having another bigger wedding some day...A mile stone wedding. 10 years or something like that. I'm not talking big white dress and spending thousands of dollars but I would like to have something where we can say our own vows to each other and celebrate 10 years of marriage. Especially since these days it's so hard to come by a marriage that has lasted that long for people in my age bracket. I don't want it to be tacky but I just want something to celebrate our love for one another and share our words and have our close family and friends there with us to celebrate that fact that we have made it. J and I have gone through very rough divorces (I mean, usually divorces are rough) and I just feel that it would be something to be joyous about, right? It's not tacky is it? I don't know...And I'm not even really sure I care that much...and it's not going to be something that we will do every decade, just the first one!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

To Joey & Dylan

Even though I wasn't lucky enough to carry you in my womb
Even though I wasn't lucky enough to experience the pain of having you;
I still love you more that you could ever imagine

Even though I mean nothing on paper
Even though you may grow to hate me later
I will still love you more than you could ever imagine

You are my life as well as the others
So I hold my head high as "step" Mother
I love you more than anyone could ever imagine

8/7/11 Nicole Roy

Saturday, July 16, 2011

What is love?

I asked my kids what love meant and got some interesting answers :)

I told Alex I was going to ask him a question and he said.."Is it going to be hard?" haha.

Alexander is 7 years old.

What is love?:
Alex:When people do stuff together. Like you & John.

What kind of stuff?:
Alex:When you go to the zoo with us, and swimming. That means love when you take us places.

Mileys(age 4) take on love:

What is love?
Miley: Um, when people kiss *alex chimes in* Ew!
Miley:Um, when people marry each other.

What does it mean when I say "I love you?"
Miley: It means you miss me

Josephs(who is 4) answer:
What is love?
Joseph: I think I love ants, but no, because they crawl all over me and bite me.
Do you love anything or anyone else:
Joseph:Spiderman, You Mommy, and Gavin, and my Dad, and Megan, David,Emma, and Miley, and Aiden, and Alex.

Aidens(who is 4) answer:

What is love?
Aiden: Um, when I go to school.

What do you think love means?
Aiden: When we go to Grandma Bessies

Dylans(who is 2) answer:
What is love?
Dylan:  (dylan hugged me when I asked him the question)
Thank you Dylan, I love you too. What is love?
Dylan: Cheese. (hahaha)

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The kids have started some not-so-wonderful things.

So for about a month now my step-son, Joseph, has learned the "art" of lying. He lies about a lot of silly things but a lot of things that he says are extreme and could quite possibly get someone in trouble. For instance, when he has done something wrong, he says that he didn't do it. Even if you saw him do it, he says he didn't, or someone else did it first...Etc.

Another example, today he came home from his Mothers house & he jumped right on the computer. I asked him if he had asked his Dad if he could get on the computer (as we do not let the kids on the computer without asking, ever, because we need to know what they are doing on the computer at all times. Especially on the internet.) Mind you, Joey is 4 years old. He is a very smart & persuasive four year old and he promised me that his Dad said it was OK. So, I asked John if he said it was OK that Joey got on the computer. He said no, he didn't. So I asked Joey why he lied to me. He said he didn't lie to me his Dad said that he could get on the computer. J told him that he did not even ask to get on the computer, so no, he did not. Of course that end resulted in him throwing a fit and we sent him to his room.

Another instance today with my daughter Miley, who is also 4 years old: I asked her why she took something from Dylan and she said that she did not. That "Dylan gave it to her." While I watched Dylan set his toy down for one moment and she picked it up and said that he set it down and now it's hers. So I asked her again, she gave me the same answer, and got sent to her room for lying.

Both instances I've tried to explain to the two that lying is NOT cool in this house. That we would rather you tell the truth, because then, you will get lesser to no punishment for telling THE TRUTH.

Joseph's lying has gotten extremely out of hand and I'm not sure what to do about it.

Joey has also gotten more aggressive....Today he punched Miley in the mouth, made her bleed, because he was mad that she fell asleep....I told him since Miley fell asleep it's bed time anyway, it's time for bed. He was playing his video game (after we had a little conversation about lying) and he was mad that he had to get off. I told J about it because I could not even begin to express how ticked off I was that I witnessed that. Where have my sweet kids gone this summer? I can't wait until school starts again because I am sick of the disrespect to not only myself & my husband, but the disrespect the kids are showing towards each other.

I've read a few parenting articles online, that kind of helped. They have basically said that pre-school aged children do usually start to lie at that age. Which, as one of my examples showed, this would be true. But the other types of lies that go on around here have nothing to do with what is stated below.

*Lies to get something they want or to avoid something they don't want - Preschoolers tell these types of lies for the same reasons that adults do, but they often don't see anything wrong with telling a lie to gain a result they want. When children this age tell these types of lies, parents should try not to overreact. Instead, they should point out to their children that it is wrong to lie, and that it is important to tell the truth
We had just gotten over a huge thing not to long ago- and that was the biting. All of the kids (minus alex and gavin wasn't born) were biting. We tried EVERYTHING. Finally, after consulting the pediatrician, he said just simply smack their hands. Low and behold it worked. However, Dylan has started biting again, but I think it's for a different reason. When he was biting before he bit in self defensive against his brothers and sister. Now he is biting out of rage, and once more, we are going to have to deal with this. It seems like everything is a vicious cycle.

I understand that some of it is typical brother-brother or brother-sister feuds but some of it really is not. A lot of words are being exchanged, a lot of physical violence is happening and I am NOT enjoying it at all. I really would like to ask for help of any parent that has any advice at all.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

I know you love me just the way I am.

...Why can't I love me just the way I am?

I have seriously lost all of my motivation..Either that or someone stole it from me. I am going no where fast with my weight loss anymore. I'm stuck at that 230 (obviously 4 lbs smaller than that photo..which..jumps up and down 230. 234. 230. 234.) mark and I wanted to be way smaller by now! I started to walk and after I jacked up 10 lbs for no reason I quit walking, and there it was, I lost that 10 lbs again by NOT walking. Not even sure how that works, at all.

My friend Jessamyn is losing weight like crazy and she has the motivation and determination that I want and for whatever reason, I can't find it. I make excuses on why I can't do this or that or why I could never do that. (that is why I am still fat) and then I get down, depressed, hate myself, etc.

Ever since I started trying different clothes at the clothing stores and having serious mental break downs I think that is where I left my self worth. I figure to myself, if I can't look good now, I will never look good. I don't know where my attitude came from and I wish that I could LOSE that and BRING BACK my motivation. It pretty much kills me whenever my husband picks out these sexy little numbers to go out in and either A) It doesn't fit. B) It fits, but I look like a sausage...In other words..Just because it fits doesn't mean you should wear it!

I never actually listened to a song that was recommended to me before, so I listened to it today, and it made me cry a little. Haha. :) I'm sure that most of you have heard it before. I never had.

"Fuckin' Perfect"

Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good'
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

You're so mean when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.

So complicated,
Look happy, You'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I could think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same
(ohh ohhhhhhh)

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

The whole world's scared, so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line and we try try try but we try too hard
And it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that, why do I do that (why do I do that)?

Pretty, pretty, pretty

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing than you're fucking perfect to me
(you're perfect, you're perfect)
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Scavenger Hunt Love my Husband.

So,with the permission of my husband, I am going to post my scavenger hunt because I thought this was the most thoughtful & romantic thing that anyone has ever done for me in my life.

J hands me a note that reads: " Since the beginning of us I have loved you true. Go back to the room where love began with me and you."

( I found the second clue in our old bedroom, which is now Alexanders room.)

2nd clue: " From this room our love grew, I was lost till I found you. Something else began to grow with our family as you know. This little thing now grows slow."

( 3rd clue was on our magnolia tree which we planted last year as our family tree)

3rd Clue: "We fell hard for one another. We live for all of life to discover. Our love for our babies knows no limits. For this little thing we bought for them once made them timid."

(4th clue was found on our swing set)

4th Clue: " 2 little boys who you didnt have 2 love now play here and call you mommy. Go find these 2 and tickle there tummy with them lies your next clue and remember they will always love you."

I walked into the living room and the boys said "Thank you" to me and handed me presents. One was two charms for my bracelet that are Miley & Aidens birth stones, A picture frame that says " Mothers are angels with invisible wings..." and a card signed by Joey and Dylan (Note: The other 3 kids are at their Dads so that's why they didn't participate J would've incorporated them if they were home!) The card had a woman dressed up as a super hero (by the way, by this time I was bawling my eyes out) Have I told you that you are my hero?  and on the inside it says but in a non-cape, non-tights kind of way. We love you Mommy signed Joseph and Dylan.

My next clue was in here that read: " From here out I was positive you were my soul mate. Take this little gift and you dont have to go far. Your next little clue is in the car.

Car clue: "Without you it's hard to breathe with my vows to you I can never leave. I need you now as much as then now its time you come to find me and this pen."

So I walk in the door and my husband is smiling the best smile I have ever saw him smile...and hands me another card (which also made me cry very very hard) and it read:

Trying to describe
My love for you
is like trying to capture the universe
in the palm of your hand.
It can not be done...
Because my love, like the universe
is vast and without end.
When we're apart, I ache for you
counting the endless minutes
until our lips will meet once more,
and the passion that burns within us,
smoldering always,
will ignite and set the night on fire.

The inside read:  You fill me up in every possible way... and the pleasure we share is beyond anything I ever imagined. The day I first laid eyes on you was more than simply a dream come true; it was the day heaven came to earth and stayed.....Always yours Nicole. I love you most. John.

So trying to catch my breath I thought I was done...But there was one more clue inside of the card. "It said At long last you found your way to me. I am your husband and always will be. Come now and have a glass of wine enjoy all the peace and love you may find."

On the table was a glass of wine and a peace and love necklace from the open heart collection from Kay Jewelers that I had been wanting for a REALLY long time. So of course, once more, I continue to sob and hug my husband.

This has been one of the best days of my life, my love, and I am so happy you are in my life. I will never forget this day. I will shout to the world my love for you. I love you John. Always and forever.

Saturday, June 18, 2011


I have been sitting here for about 20 minutes trying to figure out what I was going to write about my Husband. I have so many thoughts going through my head, and I have already written a few things about us in previous blogs so I do not want to sound repetitive.I just really want my blog to be the "perfect" Fathers Day blog. But as I sat here and thought more and more about what I felt I needed to write, I just figured that I would jot down all of the things that pop into my head.

To my wonderful Husband, John:

I will never forget the first day I had my eyes opened to what kind of man & Father you really were. It was Joey's 3rd birthday (2009) and you & I had just started to speak to each other and become friends. I know... I and I had known each other since 2007 but I never really got to know you. I never got to have an opinion of my own about you. So anyway, when you had spent all of your money on Joeys birthday present [a Lightening McQueen Car that Joseph could ride in] and when he opened it and he had the most priceless and exciting reaction ever...You had tears and your eyes and your smile could have probably lit up the room. At that very moment I knew that you were one of the most best, proud, Dads ever. At that very moment I had regretted any comments and hurtful things I had ever said to you. I knew that I was wrong and I knew everyone else who said anything terrible about you was wrong as well.

Another moment that I had realized that you were amazing, is when you opened up your pocket to help me with my children. I had not a dime when I had left Patrick & I had no way of getting diapers or anything of the sorts. You would not take no for an answer and you told me that you would help me take care of my babies the best that you could. These children were not even close to being your responsibility and I knew that you had your own two children living with you that you had to support, I could not believe that you would even consider.

As these almost two years are up that we have been together, you have shown me in so many other ways what kind of man you are. You put the children before yourself and that is something I admire. You have always opened yourself up to suggestion when it comes to taking care of them, to know what to do, to be the best you can be. You have worked hard to become a better person and Father & you have succeeded in doing so. There are no more favorites in this home, you do not treat anyone any better than the other. You treat everyone equally as it should be.

Thank you so much. For not only trying to be better but BEING better. For never being selfish. For always being so loving. For tucking the children at night with me. For never making me do anything alone. Just thank you for being you, my husband, one of the best men I have ever known.

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Casey Anthony trial.

 Since this case came out I did not pay very much attention to what was going on with it. But these past few weeks I have found myself obsessing over what was going on with it. I have been reading what is going on, watching the case daily, and also I have been looking at past videos on youtube from when this case first came out. I have my very own opinions on this case and I will have everyone know that my opinions are obviously not facts..SO please take that into consideration.

While seeing the IM's between her & her 'boyfriend' it made me see that she regretted the fact that she even had her daughter. She was always trying to think of different ways that she could get rid of her.(as far as getting a babysitter) By the way she spoke about her life she felt caged.A little girl she always referred to in her IM's as "the kid" and "little snot head." To me that does not show that she was a loving Mother. All of the photographs that she had with her daughter were all fake in my opinion. It was a photo opportunity for Casey. They were not genuine by any means. A loving Mother may joke and say things like "Little monkey" or "my brat" or something along those lines...But "The kid" and "snot head" seems pretty cold hearted to me.

My question is: If the Nanny was not real it makes me wonder who really took Caylee when she said that she was with the Nanny? In the conversations she spoke of how she was going to drop the daughter off to the Nanny? But I guess it never spoke of how she actually DID go to the boy friends house so I guess that information we would never know. We all know that the Nanny was not real. The stories that she told of the Nanny were 100% made up on the spot. We all know by now that all these insane lies that Casey Anthony has told her family & Police, show that she is a pathological liar. A pretty good liar, but not a smart one.

It is what it is; Casey Anthony is a liar. She lied about her job, her friends, and the fact that Caylee was even alive. She sent her family and police on a wild goose chase looking for a little girl that wasn't even alive. What I don't understand, in this whole situation is how can one possibly believe that this little girl drowned in a pool in her parents back yard? While everything else is a lie? The Nanny kidnapped her. Lie. She said she told only her friends Jeff and Juliette about Caylee's disappearance. Lie. Jeff & Juiliette are not real, either. So many things are not consistant..So many things are lies. 

Why on earth should the jury believe that Caylee drowned in a pool?..Because honestly, who the hell does not call 911 when their child is floating dead in a pool? and who the HELL goes out to party after said daughter went "missing" AKA  was murdered? It's apparent that she was murdered. She had duct tape wrapped around her with a heart sticker. To me the heart sticker shows some kind of sick compassion...Like, I loved you...But not enough to keep you alive..Sorry......

Now the question is: Did Casey do it alone. Did Casey Anthony single handedly kill her daughter and let her rot in a trunk? Then put her body in a wooded area only a few minutes away from the Anthony home? Evidence states that for one, that there was a horrible smell coming from the trunk of the car. Not to mention that the flies found in the car showed that she could have been stored in the trunk for 3-5 days. The defense is trying to make it seem like garbage could have been in the trunk of her car...But why would they find hair, smell, and flies? Trash does not smell like a dead body. Fish and other dead animals, sure. But why are you carrying dead ANYTHING in your car for 3 to 5 days? If Casey had been assisted by her Father like so many people think she has been, from his previous profession, I think he would definitely not have been as sloppy as Casey had been. Casey is an ammature killer to say the least.

Point: I think Casey killed her daughter on purpose. Probably in one of her little fits that she shows us she has almost every day in court. I used to maybe think it was an accident but after all of the lies & evidence going against her I definitley think that she killed her daughter. She wanted a life and she thought killing her daughter would do it. At least she got two thing out of this: Out of all the men and women in the world that kill their poor children every single day because they are selfish & sick people...She's getting all the attention she could ever ask for & her freedom away from her daughter. I hope she is happy with herself. I hope that one day she admitts to what happens. But we all know that will probably never happen.

 A sad but true fact I had found on a website:
.In the United States, 189 woman currently await execution on death row for murdering their own children. 

May these children rest in peace & may all of you Mothers out there who do not want their children: There are many families out there hoping and praying for a child to care and love for. Give them to them. & for all of the Mothers & Fathers out there hold your children tight and Thank God every single day that you have them & that they are alive.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Why is our relationship so awesome?

So from time to time I like to write about the relationship that my husband and I have. I love to do this because there are so many wonderful things about a man I would have never guessed to be my soul mate. There were so many things going against us in the beginning. First of all, when we had first got together I wasn't divorced yet. In fact, my divorce took so long because Patrick & I were fighting back in forth between custody and child support agreements. Not only that my family and some of my friends did not support the relationship because they were all told how much of a piece of crap he was. He was put to be a woman beater and a terrible human being...

Why is our relationship so awesome?

While I know that some of the things he has done in his previous relationship was not right, nothing was ever done with out provocation...and he has never ever laid a hand on me or even acted like he would ever lay his hands on me. Especially in the begging. He was at my beckoning call. He would be there at any moment I needed him no matter if he had to work, or had plans, or anything. John pretty much was the only person I had to listen to me 24/7 especially when my family had turned their backs on me.

Why is our relationship so awesome?I had only been talking to him for a short while when he had offered to take me to see my good friend Amanda Clare in Chicago.  He offered to pay for it all, and I was really uneasy about taking an out of town trip with him. But that time in Chicago I knew that I wanted a relationship with him. I wasn't sure what kind of relationship I was looking for...Especially since I was still hurting and obsessing over everything Patrick did.

This is us together outside of a Polish restaurant in Chicago. We all had so much fun together and I was very glad that I could have my friends meet John without any judgment.

Why is our relationship so awesome?
The first year of our relationship was quite rough. I had ended up getting very sick with kidney stones, my Mom had to kick me out of her house because of contract reasons, and my Grandmother was going through some things that I did not want to be around and not only that she did not have the means to support myself and my 3 children. With no where else to go J opened up his home to myself and my three children with open arms and his family pulled together to get the things we needed in the house since I had not had any beds, toys, or anything like that from Patricks house.

Why is our relationship so awesome?

Maybe two weeks after that we had  been together he was hospitalized with Mono. He also had liver problems witch goes hand in hand with mono. It was frightening to say the least. About a week after that, J had gotten slapped with his second restraining order. That time was the hardest time we had I think in our relationship. He cried every single night, and I could feel his pain and I wanted to be there for him. He barely wanted to get out of bed. He did not understand why he was constantly getting told lies about, when he was being the best Father he knew how to be.Being around my kids was really hard for him and it was hard for me because I did not want him to resent that we were there. I was feeling guilty because I had felt that if I was not there that none of this would have happend. I felt that it was all my fault, not because we had done anything wrong, but because I was with John. Because I moved in, because we were together, and dare I say it in love.But I pushed hard and helped him through that time,and he got the boys back BECAUSE of me. and it brought us even closer together...

Why is our relationship so awesome?

Which brings me to when we went to KAY in Peoria. He had asked me to go into the jewelry store to pick out things I liked...Rings I liked...I was shocked and I thought he was just playing around. So I went inside and picked out all these rings that I had liked and tried them on and he told me that he would buy it for me. There were ENGAGEMENT rings. I wasn't sure how I felt about this, to be honest, I was going through a really tough divorce..We had not been together for very long...and shortly after that he bought me my 1300 ring set and said I would have to wait for him to propose to me.

Why is our relationship so awesome?
After the proposal, my divorce almost being finally over, we had some bumps in the road and I was very unsure if I should get married to him. I was open and honest with him and told him that I wasn't sure that we should get married because I wasn't sure if it was right. We talked for hours, we cried for hours, and not only did he decide that he loved me more than he had ever loved anyone I realized that I did too. I had someone to talk to about my feelings..and I realized that I wasn't SCARED to tell him how I felt... We were going to be married and we were going to have our crazy five children all in one home.

Why is our relationship so awesome?

J and myself had made a huge decision together to have another child. We also made the decision to get our names tattooed on each other with the infinity symbol. The tattoo idea was mainly Johns and I really had to think about it. I didn't make a split decision. I knew that this is a life time thing, I wasn't even married yet, was this really a good idea? But as I sat back and saw what kind of father, son, human being this man was...This man I was going to marry so quickly...I would be willing to write his name on me forever. Because I knew that I would love him forever, as crazy as it sounded.

Why is our relationship so awesome?Through the fights and through the trials of being a family with six children..We grow stronger every day. We talk about anything and everything that is on our minds. We sleep together every night, we never go to bed angry, and we do almost everything together. We trust one another. We will be married for almost a year on August 3rd and I can't believe that it has been that quick.  I love my husband with all of my heart and soul and it will always be that way.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Being the 'fit' Mom

I have always struggled with my weight. I have never been that skinny little girl that you could toss around like a football. I have always had wide hips, big butt, and I have always been the tall one. Four children, a divorce, and too much junk food later I finally had that moment in my life where I was too embarrassed to be in public.

So my usual weight is 190-200 at almost 5 10. Even when I was at that weight I always had the usual mental breakdowns and things that a lot of girls go through in the world that we live in. When I had first gotten with my ex-husband I was in that bracket wearing a size 14/15 jean and looking pretty fly for just having a child. As the years went by, I had the twins, I had lost all that weight plus more...But the the unhappiness settled in I was wearing a size 22 jean and weighing a shocking 297 lbs by the time the twins were 1 year old.

So without trying to sound to repetitive I had started to lose weight when I had left Patrick and as the rumors flew by on 'how' I had lost my weight, I stopped and I had gained a good chunk of my weight back. I had weighed 260 by the time I was pregnant with Gavin and obviously that didn't matter because I was still getting made fun of by adults because of my ever growing baby belly/fat muffin top. The words stung, especially since I was pregnant and I was dreading gaining the baby weight that I knew I was going to gain. Being called a "heavy weight champion" by people who are older than me,a former friend, and people I do not know was very hurtful especially coming from someone who was a former chunk herself.

Anyway, after losing my six lbs I gained with Gavin plus the other 29 lbs going on the "lifestyle change" type of eating fad whatever that lasted a whole month and a half..I gained 10 lbs back and I was becoming depressed with myself again.

I would say that 40% of my friends are a lot smaller than me. I sometimes get embarrassed to be seen with my beautiful thin friends because of the simple fact that I feel like I am the token fat girl that every group needs. The other day my friend of almost 10 years informed me that for her bachlorette party day we would be going to a water park. At first I was OK with it, then I looked in the mirror and completely broke down. I absolutely couldn't handle the sight of myself. I had tried to look at my fatter day pictures to perk myself up and it did not work at all. Nothing in the world could make me feel better. After fighting with my husband on how I am "not perfect, I am fat, I am not beautiful, I am fat...and I hate myself and would rather die than be this way anymore." I had very long talk with two very important people in my life. My best friend Amber & Stella my Mother in Law.

They both had pretty much said the same things to me. It made me open my eyes to realize that I do not need to be a stick thin girl and that I actually would probably never be a stick thin girl. There are things about me that some women would love to have (hour glass figure and a big butt) I really just want to rid of this gut I have. I am fine with my butt. I am fine with my hips, and there is absolutely no fat on my ribs at all. It's once you get to this gut it's so terrible and I hate it. I still did not go swimming with my friends because I did not want to push my feel better luck...But I did enjoy myself with my thin and beautiful friends without feeling like the token fat girl.

Anyway, my husband and I have completely cut out fast food once more. We do not eat dinner after 5pm... As amazing as it sounds we have not had a problem doing so. I have lost 5 lbs since I started my portioning last week ( J has lost approx. 5 as well) and I am very happy about that. I need to lose 5 more to get back to where I was after I had lost my weight from Gavin. My husband sees that it makes me feel very good about myself when I work my butt off to lose the weight that I want to lose. I have been happier and while 5 lbs seems so small it makes a huge difference on how I do things every single day. My goal is to lose 1 whole person by the end of next year. I think that is a reasonable goal...NOT ONLY that, but my husband has agreed to give me the tummy tuck or other plastic surgery I may need after this transformation. I am young enough now so to me all of this does not seem pointless at all. I was to be able to run around the yard with my kids and not get winded after 10 minutes...and many other things that I get too tired to do after short amounts of time.

Being a Mother is a struggle....Being a Mother who isn't physically fit is even more, sometimes. I am getting my confidence back..I want my children to see that while beauty is in the eye of the ones who love you and God up above. But all the while I want them to be healthy. I also do not want my daughter to grow up hearing Mommy sob about how fat  she is every day. That will not happen. So onward I go and I am stronger than ever. Thanks to my husband, family, and friends.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Here's the story of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up two boys and girl,
All of them had hair of gold, like their mother,
The youngest one in curls.

Here's the story of a man named JJ,
Who was busy with two boys of his own,
They were three men, living all together,
Yet they were all alone.

Till the one day when the lady met this fellow
And they knew it was much more than a hunch,
That this group would somehow form a family.
That's the way we all became the JJ bunch!

haha... Okay so I knew I said I wasn't going to write anymore but that really just popped into my head. Most days things are really smooth around here with our system we have going on. But there are other days when I really feel like I am in a lose/lose situation. It's nothing that anyone does it just seems like I can't quite keep up with what I need to do or who I need to be as a wife and a Mother.

I always wonder what it's like to be in others blended families. If it's sometimes as perfect and sometimes as shit-tastic as ours is. about 95% of our days are awesome but when we have that 5% of not so awesome it really truely sucks. Not only because the kids just know what to do to drive myself and John up the wall, but also because J and myself know exactly what to say to get each other going.

So I use the term 'luxury' loosely but I have not had the 'luxury' of having a break. I have not had one in two weeks and I am really on edge. Not only that but ever since I have had Gavin I feel that my hormones are screwed up. I cry more, I get sad easily, I get angry easily and then I will be happy the next second after I went through the said emotions. But it really has been quite bad these past two weeks that I have been on someones beckoning call 24/7. Yeah, that is being a good Mother, but you know what? This good Mother needs a few hours of a break to continue to be a good

I try not to write about John and I's relationship too much on here because I know that there are a few people that are waiting for us to fail. So fair warning you aren't getting your wish.

Anyway, we have been arguing a lot over the most silly things. That's how it USUALLY goes, we argue about things that are simply not worth arguing over but it has been getting very heated. I don't know if it's all me, a little me, all him, or just the both of us. My feelings that it is the both of us. I am stressed to the max, and my behavior makes my husband stressed and then we just clash. I know that healthy relationships usually require an argument here and there...BUT...The only thing that I wished that would change is the fact that every time my husband and I get into a fight or an argument I always get "Do you want a divorce?" Thrown in my face...Or "Do you want someone else?" The "D" word is really banned from my house. 

I feel that J and I have too much of a fun and wonderful marriage that one fight over the fact that while I was getting J back for throwing a water balloon at me inside of the house filled with ice cold water; I took a handful of chocolate syrup to rub on his face and accidentally smacked his freshly stretched-to-zero ear lobe. It resulted in him getting ticked off, me feeling stupid, him realizing that and trying to play, me telling him to piss off, and then the D word was thrown out, lol. I know it doesn't sound that heated but many other words were exchanged after the D word. I just feel like since the both of us have been screwed over before that maybe divorce is just the most easy thing to say when we are fighting. 

So like I say, I wonder if more families go through the same trials that we do as a family and as a couple. I don't know many people who have the kind of life that we have. If I do they are older and sometimes I just wished that I knew someone that was closer to my age that I could relate to. I know we aren't abnormal, so don't get me wrong. I love my life and my crazy kids and my crazy husband...I don't take anything for granted and I couldn't imagine life without everything that I have now.


There are like 5,000 things I want to write about today...

So first of all the thing I want to say is...I can't believe my twins Aiden & Miley are FOUR today. Every year it's so funny because I always say "I can't believe it." I will never believe it, I guess! We spent Saturday at parental hell...Aka Chuck E Cheese and all of the kids had a blast. On Sunday we had a party at our house and the kids really made out well, as they usually do on their birthday, and today is their actual birthday. I went to work this morning, I dropped my 3 off at Patricks house and then after work I missed them so much I had to pop in and give the twins a balloon with characters on it, haha. I really hate not seeing them on their actual birthday but that is the way that it has to be in a split-up family. Next year I will get them on their actual birthday, though.

I know I said I had like five thousand things to write today but I think I just lost my will to write. Maybe later.

Hope everyone has a fantastic day!


Monday, May 16, 2011

Words of the wise

For whatever reason I have been crying daily. I simply get overwhelmed with anything and everything. I really am not a person to show my emotion on my face. It's quite annoying that I have been weeping about everything so I am hoping to get it fixed. Lately at work I find myself not getting what I want to get done for the day. We have a computer system now that I am slowly but surely putting customers in, my brother in law just started working there about a month ago, and I also have Gavin. So to say the least things are getting organized but not at the pace that I would like for it to go. I think I am repeating myself, because I may have wrote or said something along these lines before.

I'm trying so hard to do well at what I do. Between keeping Gavin happy at the office, trying to make doctors appointments and get various other things done during the work day some days I'm just a big baby. I value what my husbands family says and thinks of me and when I don't think I am doing a good enough job here lately I have been getting upset, lol, but not for one minute does Grandma Bessie(or anyone really) make me think that I am not doing a good job. As a matter of fact she had said something to me the other day that made me smile from ear to ear that I just have to write about.

Grandma B told me that I was such a good Mother. A lot of people tell me that (and not that I don't value the positive feedback I do get from others) the fact that this woman who doesn't really like that many people (lol) told me that I am a good Mother just made me feel wonderful about myself. She said it with a smile. She tells me how lucky I am to have the kids I do and I do feel very lucky even when they are driving me insane. I am trying to keep going and trying not to get stressed out over things that can be easily fixed...and I'm not sure WHY I am getting so upset so easily...It could be hormones, maybe? I did just have a baby 3 months ago...Even though it feels like so long ago when I think about it, but when I say that my little baby Gavin is 3 months old (today, infact!) it seems impossible.

Speaking of Gavin, he is calling for me....I hope everyone has a fantastic week :)


Monday, May 9, 2011

"Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up."

That was the awesome quote I found for the day. Very true, right?
So Miley and Aidens 4th birthday is quickly approaching...This past year has went by so quickly I can not believe it. Even though I just had Gavin almost 3 months ago their birth day is still very fresh in my mind. Some days, when I am stressed, I wished that the day was over..But I never stop to think that when I wished the days seemed fast, it's less time spent of the most important time of my childrens lives. Sometimes we take things for granted and then think to ourselves "where the hell did time go?" I do that more often than not. So when I'm feeling sentimental (like now) I love to look at baby pictures of the children and reminisce with myself certain days when some of these pictures took place. I am going to try to make it a goal of mine to live my life more stress free and cherish my moments even when they are stressful.

Anyway! My husband is leaving this weekend to go to an event that his brother has invited him to. I got invited to go but it's not really my thing. I would rather stay home with Gavin than go out of town and do something that I'm not quite interested in...Even if that means that I have to spend about 48 hours away from my guy. We haven't spent a lot of time away from each other our entire relationship. The longest was four days while I was in Oregon for my friends wedding, so I am kind of dreading this weekend. But I am also hoping that it will do my husband and I some good to be away from each other since we do pretty much everything together. It will also give the opportunity to show why we trust each other and test our love which I think makes a healthy relationship. Some may disagree, and that is fine, but I think that trust is a HUGE thing that we both have a problem with especially since both of our previous marriages lacked trust. For good reasons, obviously, but it doesn't make it any more right...right? right.

Well, I had better close off my thoughts for the day...As the question was just asked "Dylan, why is your hair soaked?" That's my que to find out why is hair is soaked!


Sunday, May 8, 2011

I am so blessed

Dear Lord, it's such a hectic day
With little time to stop and pray
For life's been anything but calm
Since You called on me to be a mom
Running errands, matching socks
Building dreams with building blocks
Cooking, cleaning, and finding shoes
And other stuff that children lose
Fitting lids on bottled bugs
Wiping tears and giving hugs
A stack of last weeks mail to read
So where's the quiet time I need?
Yet when I steal a minute, Lord
Just at the sink or ironing board
To ask the blessings of Your grace
I see then, in my small one's face
That you have blessed me
All the while
And I stop to kiss
That precious smile

I'm not sure who wrote that poem but I absolutely love it...Today has been a magnificent day. A lot of people do not like holidays such as this but I really enjoy it. I believe like any other holiday it can bring families together.

We spent the whole day running around. We woke up this morning and went to my Mothers house we were unsure if we were going to do anything that evening...Shortly after that we went to Lowe's and J got the rest of my Mothers Day present! Alexander and J picked out a bird bath for me. Some say it is unusual or ugly but I really love it BECAUSE it's so unusual and I love bright colors.

We went to my Mother in Laws house for most of the day. My husband did a bunch of yard work for his Mother and I helped out a little. Alexander really got into it and decided that he wanted to do yard work all of the time...Haha, I hope that it stays like that before I know he will become of great use to us when he gets older /Wink

Then, we spent the remainder of the evening with my side of the family. I made some dinner and it was pretty peaceful. I am so sun burnt from being outside all day...In really odd places so I think I need to get more sun to even it out, haha :) Today was just a perfect day for me and I am so blessed to be a Mother/Step Mother.


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

What's important and what's not so important

So today I have work off. I actually am not rejoicing because I hate not going to work...Not only because it's completely boring at home, but because I am in the middle of trying to learn our computer system (wich thus far has not been successful) and when I am not there it seems like I missed out on a lot in a matter of 1 working day. Pink eye is running rampant here and it's pretty cruddy. First Joseph had pink eye last week, then Miley, then my sister, then myself...Let's hope it stops here. I have been washing my hands so much today that they are already getting dried out!

Alright well yesterday I made a BIG decision on my part. I finished up the tattoo on my arm that has Alex, Aiden, Miley on it. I wanted to add Gavin (which I did of course) and I had ended up making the decision to put Joseph and Dylans initials onto my arm. I hope that when they grow older they do not get offended or seem to think I didn't think they were as important to put their actual names on my arm, but I did 'just initials' for a reason.

Despite what anyone thinks I know that I am just the Step Mom. Despite anyone's opinions of me or the actual life-giver of the boys (J and M)..... I know that my role may not seem as important...But it really is. Anyway, I was rolling the idea around in my head to get the boys initials on my arm and I ultimately left the decision up to my husband. I was unsure if it would be okay, I was unsure if was appropriate, I was just unsure. I knew that a few people (not a lot, surprisingly) were against J and I getting our names with the infinity symbol, because of superstitions or pessimistic attitudes, or whatever. But I then realized for one, I already have J's name on my arm. If we were to get a divorce (which is pretty freakin' unlikely) I'm already screwed because I have J's name on my arm (haha :P) and not only that..I have been around for a long while. I have been there since Dylan was born, not  in the step-mother role, and I have been around since Joseph was 1 with the same circumstance as Dylan. I loved them then, and I love them now.

So I feel that my decision is okay. I know that their design isn't as flamboyant as the other children's but I felt that the suddelness of the tattoo is just as important as the names with the designs. No matter what happens in life I will love them no matter what. If for some ungodly reason J and I aren't together anymore I know that I will lose my title that I hold close to my heart but I wont lose the love I have for them. The kind of love I have for my very own 'blood' children.

Mom, Step Mom, and Wife <3

Monday, April 18, 2011

Be a good noodle

It's very hard to keep things in order around here as I have said before. The other night I had completely had it with the kids. They had been terrible and I was sick of the hateful words flying out of these kids mouths towards one another.

So, my husband and I decided that we wanted to start something called the "Good Noodle Chart" (Thanks for the idea, sponge bob square pants) and thus far it has been working out quite nicely.

It seems that something so much as a star sticker has been more exciting and devastating to them. If they have a good attitude towards something, or do something that we asked, or anything good in general they get a star. Every 5 stars they earn, earn them 1 dollar towards something...Whatever they want to buy at the end of that "Good Noodle" period. Whenever they are doing something not so good, they get a star taken off and they have to watch the star being removed in punishment for whatever they have done. So far that's been biting, hitting, screaming, not listening when told something...You get the picture. It seems to be working effectively and it's a huge relief for J and myself!

Besides all of that everything has been going swell. I am so excited and pumped for Easter. I'm really wanting to do something special this year since last year I don't think we ended up doing anything at all. I bought the kids all new outfits and I want to kind of give them the meaning behind Easter and then give them the opportunity to know the 'fun side' of Easter (Easter bunny, receiving gifts..etc) My husband and I had talked about things that we had wanted to get the kids and I think we decided on a cool family gift. We are really thinking about getting an XBOX and getting the Kinect. The Kinect is like a wii but for XBOX. The kids can play dance games and various other kid-friendly movement games perfect for a rainy or too hot day! That's just an idea though I don't know if we are going to run with it or not.

Well, that about sums up everything I wanted to say. I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday if I don't write before then.


The Misses

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Next time you point a finger..I might have to bend it back or break it, break it off..

My song that is stuck in my head "Playing God"

I don't know if anyone has noticed this or not...But I really don't care for people who like to point their fingers at me and tell me that it's all my fault. I don't like it when people try to point the finger at my HUSBAND and tell him that it's all his fault...and I DON'T like it when people make situations about them and make it sound like we are making it sound like it's THEIR FAULT. Why can't things "just happen?" I will tell you why..Because someone always has to have a finger to point and it's usually the ones who are doing the pointing that are guilty somewhere in the back of their mind. They are the ones who have screwed up and they are the ones who have to try to ruin someones elses day. 

Let me tell you something else...I'm not falling for it anymore. I don't have to walk on eggshells for anyone anymore. I am going to live my life how I see fit, make decisions on how I see fit, say what I want on my blogs that everyone is reading how I see fit. I have come to the point where if you are that interested in what I have to say, and if I say something you don't like, I'm sorry that you were interested in the first place. 

I will talk about ALL of these kids...and say..."my kids".. I am NOT going to referr to Joseph and Dylan as my Step Kids ALL OF THE TIME. Just take that into consideration. Not that anyone really has a problem with it, but after yesterday, I'm throwing this out there.

I will talk about anything I want on MY facebook, blog, any social networking I do (which these two are really the only ones I do speak on)

So, that's it. There is what I have to say and now I can go back to bed because fact is when I have something in my mind and I don't say it when I feel it's important..I get grumpy....and I don't need to be grumpy..... I am taking my family on a surprise trip today to opening day at the wild life park. There is going to be a ceremony for the animals and a lot of music and food and really neat-o stuff! It's our first time taking the children as a family out on a road trip...Wish us luck!