Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Why is our relationship so awesome?

So from time to time I like to write about the relationship that my husband and I have. I love to do this because there are so many wonderful things about a man I would have never guessed to be my soul mate. There were so many things going against us in the beginning. First of all, when we had first got together I wasn't divorced yet. In fact, my divorce took so long because Patrick & I were fighting back in forth between custody and child support agreements. Not only that my family and some of my friends did not support the relationship because they were all told how much of a piece of crap he was. He was put to be a woman beater and a terrible human being...

Why is our relationship so awesome?

While I know that some of the things he has done in his previous relationship was not right, nothing was ever done with out provocation...and he has never ever laid a hand on me or even acted like he would ever lay his hands on me. Especially in the begging. He was at my beckoning call. He would be there at any moment I needed him no matter if he had to work, or had plans, or anything. John pretty much was the only person I had to listen to me 24/7 especially when my family had turned their backs on me.

Why is our relationship so awesome?I had only been talking to him for a short while when he had offered to take me to see my good friend Amanda Clare in Chicago.  He offered to pay for it all, and I was really uneasy about taking an out of town trip with him. But that time in Chicago I knew that I wanted a relationship with him. I wasn't sure what kind of relationship I was looking for...Especially since I was still hurting and obsessing over everything Patrick did.

This is us together outside of a Polish restaurant in Chicago. We all had so much fun together and I was very glad that I could have my friends meet John without any judgment.

Why is our relationship so awesome?
The first year of our relationship was quite rough. I had ended up getting very sick with kidney stones, my Mom had to kick me out of her house because of contract reasons, and my Grandmother was going through some things that I did not want to be around and not only that she did not have the means to support myself and my 3 children. With no where else to go J opened up his home to myself and my three children with open arms and his family pulled together to get the things we needed in the house since I had not had any beds, toys, or anything like that from Patricks house.

Why is our relationship so awesome?

Maybe two weeks after that we had  been together he was hospitalized with Mono. He also had liver problems witch goes hand in hand with mono. It was frightening to say the least. About a week after that, J had gotten slapped with his second restraining order. That time was the hardest time we had I think in our relationship. He cried every single night, and I could feel his pain and I wanted to be there for him. He barely wanted to get out of bed. He did not understand why he was constantly getting told lies about, when he was being the best Father he knew how to be.Being around my kids was really hard for him and it was hard for me because I did not want him to resent that we were there. I was feeling guilty because I had felt that if I was not there that none of this would have happend. I felt that it was all my fault, not because we had done anything wrong, but because I was with John. Because I moved in, because we were together, and dare I say it in love.But I pushed hard and helped him through that time,and he got the boys back BECAUSE of me. and it brought us even closer together...

Why is our relationship so awesome?

Which brings me to when we went to KAY in Peoria. He had asked me to go into the jewelry store to pick out things I liked...Rings I liked...I was shocked and I thought he was just playing around. So I went inside and picked out all these rings that I had liked and tried them on and he told me that he would buy it for me. There were ENGAGEMENT rings. I wasn't sure how I felt about this, to be honest, I was going through a really tough divorce..We had not been together for very long...and shortly after that he bought me my 1300 ring set and said I would have to wait for him to propose to me.

Why is our relationship so awesome?
After the proposal, my divorce almost being finally over, we had some bumps in the road and I was very unsure if I should get married to him. I was open and honest with him and told him that I wasn't sure that we should get married because I wasn't sure if it was right. We talked for hours, we cried for hours, and not only did he decide that he loved me more than he had ever loved anyone I realized that I did too. I had someone to talk to about my feelings..and I realized that I wasn't SCARED to tell him how I felt... We were going to be married and we were going to have our crazy five children all in one home.

Why is our relationship so awesome?

J and myself had made a huge decision together to have another child. We also made the decision to get our names tattooed on each other with the infinity symbol. The tattoo idea was mainly Johns and I really had to think about it. I didn't make a split decision. I knew that this is a life time thing, I wasn't even married yet, was this really a good idea? But as I sat back and saw what kind of father, son, human being this man was...This man I was going to marry so quickly...I would be willing to write his name on me forever. Because I knew that I would love him forever, as crazy as it sounded.

Why is our relationship so awesome?Through the fights and through the trials of being a family with six children..We grow stronger every day. We talk about anything and everything that is on our minds. We sleep together every night, we never go to bed angry, and we do almost everything together. We trust one another. We will be married for almost a year on August 3rd and I can't believe that it has been that quick.  I love my husband with all of my heart and soul and it will always be that way.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Being the 'fit' Mom

I have always struggled with my weight. I have never been that skinny little girl that you could toss around like a football. I have always had wide hips, big butt, and I have always been the tall one. Four children, a divorce, and too much junk food later I finally had that moment in my life where I was too embarrassed to be in public.

So my usual weight is 190-200 at almost 5 10. Even when I was at that weight I always had the usual mental breakdowns and things that a lot of girls go through in the world that we live in. When I had first gotten with my ex-husband I was in that bracket wearing a size 14/15 jean and looking pretty fly for just having a child. As the years went by, I had the twins, I had lost all that weight plus more...But the the unhappiness settled in I was wearing a size 22 jean and weighing a shocking 297 lbs by the time the twins were 1 year old.

So without trying to sound to repetitive I had started to lose weight when I had left Patrick and as the rumors flew by on 'how' I had lost my weight, I stopped and I had gained a good chunk of my weight back. I had weighed 260 by the time I was pregnant with Gavin and obviously that didn't matter because I was still getting made fun of by adults because of my ever growing baby belly/fat muffin top. The words stung, especially since I was pregnant and I was dreading gaining the baby weight that I knew I was going to gain. Being called a "heavy weight champion" by people who are older than me,a former friend, and people I do not know was very hurtful especially coming from someone who was a former chunk herself.

Anyway, after losing my six lbs I gained with Gavin plus the other 29 lbs going on the "lifestyle change" type of eating fad whatever that lasted a whole month and a half..I gained 10 lbs back and I was becoming depressed with myself again.

I would say that 40% of my friends are a lot smaller than me. I sometimes get embarrassed to be seen with my beautiful thin friends because of the simple fact that I feel like I am the token fat girl that every group needs. The other day my friend of almost 10 years informed me that for her bachlorette party day we would be going to a water park. At first I was OK with it, then I looked in the mirror and completely broke down. I absolutely couldn't handle the sight of myself. I had tried to look at my fatter day pictures to perk myself up and it did not work at all. Nothing in the world could make me feel better. After fighting with my husband on how I am "not perfect, I am fat, I am not beautiful, I am fat...and I hate myself and would rather die than be this way anymore." I had very long talk with two very important people in my life. My best friend Amber & Stella my Mother in Law.

They both had pretty much said the same things to me. It made me open my eyes to realize that I do not need to be a stick thin girl and that I actually would probably never be a stick thin girl. There are things about me that some women would love to have (hour glass figure and a big butt) I really just want to rid of this gut I have. I am fine with my butt. I am fine with my hips, and there is absolutely no fat on my ribs at all. It's once you get to this gut it's so terrible and I hate it. I still did not go swimming with my friends because I did not want to push my feel better luck...But I did enjoy myself with my thin and beautiful friends without feeling like the token fat girl.

Anyway, my husband and I have completely cut out fast food once more. We do not eat dinner after 5pm... As amazing as it sounds we have not had a problem doing so. I have lost 5 lbs since I started my portioning last week ( J has lost approx. 5 as well) and I am very happy about that. I need to lose 5 more to get back to where I was after I had lost my weight from Gavin. My husband sees that it makes me feel very good about myself when I work my butt off to lose the weight that I want to lose. I have been happier and while 5 lbs seems so small it makes a huge difference on how I do things every single day. My goal is to lose 1 whole person by the end of next year. I think that is a reasonable goal...NOT ONLY that, but my husband has agreed to give me the tummy tuck or other plastic surgery I may need after this transformation. I am young enough now so to me all of this does not seem pointless at all. I was to be able to run around the yard with my kids and not get winded after 10 minutes...and many other things that I get too tired to do after short amounts of time.

Being a Mother is a struggle....Being a Mother who isn't physically fit is even more, sometimes. I am getting my confidence back..I want my children to see that while beauty is in the eye of the ones who love you and God up above. But all the while I want them to be healthy. I also do not want my daughter to grow up hearing Mommy sob about how fat  she is every day. That will not happen. So onward I go and I am stronger than ever. Thanks to my husband, family, and friends.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Here's the story of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up two boys and girl,
All of them had hair of gold, like their mother,
The youngest one in curls.

Here's the story of a man named JJ,
Who was busy with two boys of his own,
They were three men, living all together,
Yet they were all alone.

Till the one day when the lady met this fellow
And they knew it was much more than a hunch,
That this group would somehow form a family.
That's the way we all became the JJ bunch!

haha... Okay so I knew I said I wasn't going to write anymore but that really just popped into my head. Most days things are really smooth around here with our system we have going on. But there are other days when I really feel like I am in a lose/lose situation. It's nothing that anyone does it just seems like I can't quite keep up with what I need to do or who I need to be as a wife and a Mother.

I always wonder what it's like to be in others blended families. If it's sometimes as perfect and sometimes as shit-tastic as ours is. about 95% of our days are awesome but when we have that 5% of not so awesome it really truely sucks. Not only because the kids just know what to do to drive myself and John up the wall, but also because J and myself know exactly what to say to get each other going.

So I use the term 'luxury' loosely but I have not had the 'luxury' of having a break. I have not had one in two weeks and I am really on edge. Not only that but ever since I have had Gavin I feel that my hormones are screwed up. I cry more, I get sad easily, I get angry easily and then I will be happy the next second after I went through the said emotions. But it really has been quite bad these past two weeks that I have been on someones beckoning call 24/7. Yeah, that is being a good Mother, but you know what? This good Mother needs a few hours of a break to continue to be a good Mother...lol...Seriously.

I try not to write about John and I's relationship too much on here because I know that there are a few people that are waiting for us to fail. So fair warning you aren't getting your wish.

Anyway, we have been arguing a lot over the most silly things. That's how it USUALLY goes, we argue about things that are simply not worth arguing over but it has been getting very heated. I don't know if it's all me, a little me, all him, or just the both of us. My feelings that it is the both of us. I am stressed to the max, and my behavior makes my husband stressed and then we just clash. I know that healthy relationships usually require an argument here and there...BUT...The only thing that I wished that would change is the fact that every time my husband and I get into a fight or an argument I always get "Do you want a divorce?" Thrown in my face...Or "Do you want someone else?" The "D" word is really banned from my house. 

I feel that J and I have too much of a fun and wonderful marriage that one fight over the fact that while I was getting J back for throwing a water balloon at me inside of the house filled with ice cold water; I took a handful of chocolate syrup to rub on his face and accidentally smacked his freshly stretched-to-zero ear lobe. It resulted in him getting ticked off, me feeling stupid, him realizing that and trying to play, me telling him to piss off, and then the D word was thrown out, lol. I know it doesn't sound that heated but many other words were exchanged after the D word. I just feel like since the both of us have been screwed over before that maybe divorce is just the most easy thing to say when we are fighting. 

So like I say, I wonder if more families go through the same trials that we do as a family and as a couple. I don't know many people who have the kind of life that we have. If I do they are older and sometimes I just wished that I knew someone that was closer to my age that I could relate to. I know we aren't abnormal, so don't get me wrong. I love my life and my crazy kids and my crazy husband...I don't take anything for granted and I couldn't imagine life without everything that I have now.


There are like 5,000 things I want to write about today...

So first of all the thing I want to say is...I can't believe my twins Aiden & Miley are FOUR today. Every year it's so funny because I always say "I can't believe it." I will never believe it, I guess! We spent Saturday at parental hell...Aka Chuck E Cheese and all of the kids had a blast. On Sunday we had a party at our house and the kids really made out well, as they usually do on their birthday, and today is their actual birthday. I went to work this morning, I dropped my 3 off at Patricks house and then after work I missed them so much I had to pop in and give the twins a balloon with characters on it, haha. I really hate not seeing them on their actual birthday but that is the way that it has to be in a split-up family. Next year I will get them on their actual birthday, though.

I know I said I had like five thousand things to write today but I think I just lost my will to write. Maybe later.

Hope everyone has a fantastic day!


Monday, May 16, 2011

Words of the wise

For whatever reason I have been crying daily. I simply get overwhelmed with anything and everything. I really am not a person to show my emotion on my face. It's quite annoying that I have been weeping about everything so I am hoping to get it fixed. Lately at work I find myself not getting what I want to get done for the day. We have a computer system now that I am slowly but surely putting customers in, my brother in law just started working there about a month ago, and I also have Gavin. So to say the least things are getting organized but not at the pace that I would like for it to go. I think I am repeating myself, because I may have wrote or said something along these lines before.

I'm trying so hard to do well at what I do. Between keeping Gavin happy at the office, trying to make doctors appointments and get various other things done during the work day some days I'm just a big baby. I value what my husbands family says and thinks of me and when I don't think I am doing a good enough job here lately I have been getting upset, lol, but not for one minute does Grandma Bessie(or anyone really) make me think that I am not doing a good job. As a matter of fact she had said something to me the other day that made me smile from ear to ear that I just have to write about.

Grandma B told me that I was such a good Mother. A lot of people tell me that (and not that I don't value the positive feedback I do get from others) the fact that this woman who doesn't really like that many people (lol) told me that I am a good Mother just made me feel wonderful about myself. She said it with a smile. She tells me how lucky I am to have the kids I do and I do feel very lucky even when they are driving me insane. I am trying to keep going and trying not to get stressed out over things that can be easily fixed...and I'm not sure WHY I am getting so upset so easily...It could be hormones, maybe? I did just have a baby 3 months ago...Even though it feels like so long ago when I think about it, but when I say that my little baby Gavin is 3 months old (today, infact!) it seems impossible.

Speaking of Gavin, he is calling for me....I hope everyone has a fantastic week :)


Monday, May 9, 2011

"Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up."

That was the awesome quote I found for the day. Very true, right?
So Miley and Aidens 4th birthday is quickly approaching...This past year has went by so quickly I can not believe it. Even though I just had Gavin almost 3 months ago their birth day is still very fresh in my mind. Some days, when I am stressed, I wished that the day was over..But I never stop to think that when I wished the days seemed fast, it's less time spent of the most important time of my childrens lives. Sometimes we take things for granted and then think to ourselves "where the hell did time go?" I do that more often than not. So when I'm feeling sentimental (like now) I love to look at baby pictures of the children and reminisce with myself certain days when some of these pictures took place. I am going to try to make it a goal of mine to live my life more stress free and cherish my moments even when they are stressful.

Anyway! My husband is leaving this weekend to go to an event that his brother has invited him to. I got invited to go but it's not really my thing. I would rather stay home with Gavin than go out of town and do something that I'm not quite interested in...Even if that means that I have to spend about 48 hours away from my guy. We haven't spent a lot of time away from each other our entire relationship. The longest was four days while I was in Oregon for my friends wedding, so I am kind of dreading this weekend. But I am also hoping that it will do my husband and I some good to be away from each other since we do pretty much everything together. It will also give the opportunity to show why we trust each other and test our love which I think makes a healthy relationship. Some may disagree, and that is fine, but I think that trust is a HUGE thing that we both have a problem with especially since both of our previous marriages lacked trust. For good reasons, obviously, but it doesn't make it any more right...right? right.

Well, I had better close off my thoughts for the day...As the question was just asked "Dylan, why is your hair soaked?" That's my que to find out why is hair is soaked!


Sunday, May 8, 2011

I am so blessed

Dear Lord, it's such a hectic day
With little time to stop and pray
For life's been anything but calm
Since You called on me to be a mom
Running errands, matching socks
Building dreams with building blocks
Cooking, cleaning, and finding shoes
And other stuff that children lose
Fitting lids on bottled bugs
Wiping tears and giving hugs
A stack of last weeks mail to read
So where's the quiet time I need?
Yet when I steal a minute, Lord
Just at the sink or ironing board
To ask the blessings of Your grace
I see then, in my small one's face
That you have blessed me
All the while
And I stop to kiss
That precious smile

I'm not sure who wrote that poem but I absolutely love it...Today has been a magnificent day. A lot of people do not like holidays such as this but I really enjoy it. I believe like any other holiday it can bring families together.

We spent the whole day running around. We woke up this morning and went to my Mothers house we were unsure if we were going to do anything that evening...Shortly after that we went to Lowe's and J got the rest of my Mothers Day present! Alexander and J picked out a bird bath for me. Some say it is unusual or ugly but I really love it BECAUSE it's so unusual and I love bright colors.

We went to my Mother in Laws house for most of the day. My husband did a bunch of yard work for his Mother and I helped out a little. Alexander really got into it and decided that he wanted to do yard work all of the time...Haha, I hope that it stays like that before I know he will become of great use to us when he gets older /Wink

Then, we spent the remainder of the evening with my side of the family. I made some dinner and it was pretty peaceful. I am so sun burnt from being outside all day...In really odd places so I think I need to get more sun to even it out, haha :) Today was just a perfect day for me and I am so blessed to be a Mother/Step Mother.


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

What's important and what's not so important

So today I have work off. I actually am not rejoicing because I hate not going to work...Not only because it's completely boring at home, but because I am in the middle of trying to learn our computer system (wich thus far has not been successful) and when I am not there it seems like I missed out on a lot in a matter of 1 working day. Pink eye is running rampant here and it's pretty cruddy. First Joseph had pink eye last week, then Miley, then my sister, then myself...Let's hope it stops here. I have been washing my hands so much today that they are already getting dried out!

Alright well yesterday I made a BIG decision on my part. I finished up the tattoo on my arm that has Alex, Aiden, Miley on it. I wanted to add Gavin (which I did of course) and I had ended up making the decision to put Joseph and Dylans initials onto my arm. I hope that when they grow older they do not get offended or seem to think I didn't think they were as important to put their actual names on my arm, but I did 'just initials' for a reason.

Despite what anyone thinks I know that I am just the Step Mom. Despite anyone's opinions of me or the actual life-giver of the boys (J and M)..... I know that my role may not seem as important...But it really is. Anyway, I was rolling the idea around in my head to get the boys initials on my arm and I ultimately left the decision up to my husband. I was unsure if it would be okay, I was unsure if was appropriate, I was just unsure. I knew that a few people (not a lot, surprisingly) were against J and I getting our names with the infinity symbol, because of superstitions or pessimistic attitudes, or whatever. But I then realized for one, I already have J's name on my arm. If we were to get a divorce (which is pretty freakin' unlikely) I'm already screwed because I have J's name on my arm (haha :P) and not only that..I have been around for a long while. I have been there since Dylan was born, not  in the step-mother role, and I have been around since Joseph was 1 with the same circumstance as Dylan. I loved them then, and I love them now.

So I feel that my decision is okay. I know that their design isn't as flamboyant as the other children's but I felt that the suddelness of the tattoo is just as important as the names with the designs. No matter what happens in life I will love them no matter what. If for some ungodly reason J and I aren't together anymore I know that I will lose my title that I hold close to my heart but I wont lose the love I have for them. The kind of love I have for my very own 'blood' children.

Mom, Step Mom, and Wife <3