Sunday, March 27, 2011

It's human nature...

Us as humans think that when something bad happens to someone that isn't a very nice person that you say "That's karma for you!" and while I did for a split second think something like that I quickly felt bad afterward and kind of chalked it up as "You're human..It's your nature to be on the defense all the time.." If you're confused what I am talking about let me explain.

There is a girl that I have known since I was little. Let's just say we haven't ever been friends or even close to being friends. Her and my ex-husband started seeing each other, broke up, started seeing each other again and then broke up again. The last time they broke up she took something I said out of context and it quickly blew up to a : I'm going to call you a fat ass and make fun of how many children you have...Call your step children, husband, and unborn child ugly...(and I'm guessing she did not call my other 3 children ugly because that would've caused more problems between her and Patrick)...etc etc etc fest. Not to mention the good ol you better hope you never see me out because I will kick your ass kind of deal. Whatever. It became a joke around our house and was quickly dismissed.

I have known her parents for awhile too. Her Grandmother goes to my Mothers church which is how I know this girl from Brown Ave church days. Yesterday, I get a call from Patrick asking that myself, Mom, Grandma, anyone really pray to whatever God or thing we pray to because Ashley's parents house was burning to the ground. I was in shock, really, and praying and hoping that they had home insurance (which sadly they do not.) This girl and her son lives there...(from what I understand, since he has nothing and they saidt he little girl has clothes and things at her Dads house) Anyway...Since the fire spread so quickly they had to get out asap and the little boy had nothing but his underwear on. Patrick and Becca both called me and asked me if I could lend some clothes to him because everything was gone. I quickly jumped and got a winter coat, jeans, and a sweater.  At first I was kind of like..Too bad so sad..But something inside of me kind of said.."Are you serious, Nicole? We are talking about a little boy here. Forget about everything that has been said and done...Forgive but don't forget."

So I headed to the home like a bat out of hell and the street was blocked off. I wasn't sure what to expect with this home because I knew that sometimes my ex-husband was dramatic. But sure enough this house is completely burned from the inside and the entire back of the house was gone. They were still working on putting out the fire when I had arrived and I looked over to see the girl, her brothers, and her Mom crying. My heart felt heavy with sorrow as I couldn't imagine losing everything I had ever had...Luckily they got a neighbor to take the boy inside but he was still left in his undies. I said to this girl..I don't care what problems we have had..I don't care what has happened..If you need someone I am here. They words just fell out like vomit and I felt so overwhelmed and sad I hugged her. I know that these people that were standing in front of me hated me but I felt like I didn't care and I would hope that at that moment they would see that sometimes things in life aren't worth it. The things people say and do do not matter in a time of crises...and from now on I would hope that it stays that way.

When I got home I sat in the car for a moment and not really prayed to God but thought to God that something would become of this...That I don't have to have enemies for idiotic reasons. That everything that has been said and done to me could be forgiven. Part of me still want's to be a jerk and say that it's none of my business but the bigger part of me still want's to help.

That all being said..Ranting..Talking..Whatever I am doing...I am not asking for money donations or anything like that because I don't think I can legally do this on this site...BUT if you would like to talk to me about getting rid of things that you think may help I may be able to take it off of your hands ;) e-mail me, facebook me, text me, or call me.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Drive a wedge between us...

Honestly, my marriage is close to if not perfect. John and I get along so very well! We are a match made in heaven. We are both dorks, have the same views, have the same goals in life and various other reasons on why we are so good for each other.

I could understand why certain people would like to drive a wedge between us. Some people are upset about the lives they live or the lives that they had once lived and they like to do certain things that really are unnecessary Not only does it make me feel sad for them, it also brings me some anger to know that there are some people.out there that would do anything to try to mess things up...Try to ruin others happiness because they are unhappy....

That being said, people outside of the box so to speak aren't the only people who seem to try to drive a wedge between J and myself. The kids are trying to get between us sometimes and it's very frustrating especially since maybe they don't quite know that they are doing so.

For instance...More often than not the kids will go to the other parent when the other says no. This drives J and I insane. If Alexander asks J to get on the computer, and he says no, and I will be in the other room, Alex will come and ask me and usually I don't care so I will say yes. OR like today when I told the kids that they needed to get some fresh air and not be locked inside of the house instead of playing inside on the computers Joseph threw the biggest fit known to man and I told him fine you can go inside and not do anything. I had just had a lovely time at the store with Joey and bought him a brand new toy that he picked out...Anything he wanted money was not an option. But as soon as I did not give him what he wanted at home he turned on me instantly. I told him OK well I guess we will hold on that new toy and we will stay inside and be bored and NO, he may not get on the computer (these children are obsessed with the computer..GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY FOR CHRIST SAKE)

Anyway...So he went to J...and told J that he would be good and wanted his toy after giving me the same line, and J gave it to him. I looked at John and told him that I JUST told him that he couldn't have it today and he said he was sorry, didn't know....and asked if I wanted him to take it away from him. Well of course not, I am tired of being the bad freaking guy and being the only disciplinary here. I don't want my kids to grow up and think that a fit will get them what they need to get through life. It may work for some people but those people aren't respectable. I'm always the bad guy because usually I will bet he one that says no, and J says yes...For all of the kids. I get pissed of sometimes at John because I feel that if he knew that Joseph...Or Aiden...or Miley or any of the kids have been jerks that he should catch on that a reward wouldn't be in order. So there is that wedge. How do you work through it? Communication, which usually J and I have a very good communication line EXCEPT for when it comes to how we are going to raise our children. I love my husband to death but he's a push over and I am not MOST days. I am not perfect and I know this....I'm just so very annoyed at the fact that our children have mastered the art of manipulation. It's not something to be proud of it's something that is annoying and something that will most definitely need to be worked on.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for today :) Enjoy my rants.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Rest In Peace, Grandpa.

Yesterday my Grandpa finally passed away. I hate to say the words "finally" but it has been a long painful road for not only him but my Grandma and well, us family too. He had his high ups and low downs, and for the past couple years it's been pretty much downs. So as I breath a sigh of relief I am still quite sad on the inside.

There are so many emotions that my husband and I are specifically going through. John got to know my Grandfather very well and learned to love him very much. Grandpa enjoyed the fact that J would come out to fish in the pond and show him. He was very proud of where he resided and J put that pond to good use. Me, myself, I cried when I had heard out and the only words I could use to describe how I was feeling is "This effing sucks!" Other than that I have kept a cool head and tried to stay strong not only for our kids but for my Mom and Grandma too.

As you all could imagine they are a wreck. Death is never easy like I have said before...Even if it doesn't come as a surprise.

Today Mom, Grandma, J, and myself went to the funeral home to make arrangements. The bare minimum funeral is close to 7,000 dollars. Yes, 7,000 dollars....and before you ask....No he did not have life insurance. Usually you would think no big deal, you can pay everything off with time see what money you can come up with to pay off funeral costs. Well Mr. Funeral man informed us today that we have to come up with half (preferably all) of funeral costs by Thursday, the day before the funeral. Excuse me Mr. Funeral Man just let me and my family pull 3,000 some odd dollars out my butt for you....

I am stressed to no end right now. I feel like it's my obligation to make sure that my Grandpa has a proper burial and the only money I can seem to come up with is $500.00....As terrible and selfish as this may sound if he had died a week earlier I could have had a grand to give. But, as I was no anticipating his death so soon (but I obviously was anticipating his death) and I also was not anticipating to have to come up with half of the costs...I do not have that 1k to give.

I am trying to wrap my mind around what to do or how to do it. My now widowed, broke, emotionally and physically exhausted Grandma has to come up with so much money to be able to give something my VETERAN Grandpa deserves....and....Well....It is what it is. We are broke. What to do what to do....Grieve that we are broke...Grieve that we don't have the effing money...??? So on and so forth.....

I don't even have anything else to write anymore. I had so many things I wanted to say about my wonderful Grandpa who raised me...But this funeral has stripped me from any joyous things I could possibly think of. When all said and done(you know, done feeling like I want to blow up the funeral home) I can write more about my Grandpa. The only worthy Father figure I had growing up. The man who would give me his last dollar for something so stupid. The man who could make me smile no matter what.......May he Rest In Peace...and may we figure something out.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

How to talk to children about death.

I've mentioned in my previous blog about how my Grandfather is on his death bed and how I am very unsure how to break the news to the children. I had came across the hospice site and they have given me very useful information on how to 'break the news.' whenever the news does happen, that is.

I still find myself wondering how to even approach it. I am not a very religious person at all. In fact, I have read that introducing that X is with God now could quite possibly confuse and make whomever is receiving the bad news be bitter towards God if they have not been brought up to believe that everyone goes to heaven. Or whatever.

Alexander knows about God and Heaven. Not sure what he knows about hell as I am not the one who has brought up the Christian way to him. Hell is supposed to be a scary thing so I don't think that a lot of people actually tell young children about hell. I always knew about hell. Bad people go to hell. When you grow older you get told that if you don't believe in God you go to hell....Which makes one believe that if you don't believe in God you are bad, and I don't want MY kids to believe that...So you know I am just over thinking everything as usual and there I am left unsure still.

It's coming soon as my Grandpa grows worse every minute. Hospice has taken him off of all medicines as of this afternoon besides morphine, which means to me that they are just trying to make him go quickly and painless. Which is very good but also a big smack in the face that he is in fact dying and he is not going to get better like a part of me has been hoping so much.

Death is never easy. It's never a fun thing. It's complicated and sad and it sucks. I wish my children did not have to experience the sadness that may be coming to them.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

I'll try writing again...

It took me 3 tries to try to write today! Between Dylan having to go potty several times, Gavin crying for Momma to feed him, my husband calling asking about dining room tables, Mother in law to talk about our 'meet Gavin' shin dig that will be happening soon, needing to call Patrick to take Aiden to the Dr. for a possible ear infection, Joey talking about Diablo in my ear and how much he wants to play it and Miley's supposed date with Justin Bieber here I am.....

As you can see everything is just as hectic as usual! I am so exhausted right now....I didn't get much sleep last night between Gavin being up a wee bit longer than I expected and I had my brother and sister stay the night so my Mom could stay up at the hospital with my Grandma and Grandpa...My brother and sister were up making noise so I could not sleep.

To add to the stress of every day life my Grandpa is completely on his death bed right now. He has several things going against him right now and there is no way out of it. Either he will get better on his own or he will not...More than likely will not. He has said that he is at peace and wants to be free and I whole heartedly believe that now he is wanting to go that he will. They will be getting hospice for him and I think later on this evening is when he is supposed to go home. I have heard nothing but great things about hospice so I am very relieved that they are going to take care of him like he should be taken care of in the comfort of his own home.

I haven't broke it to the kids yet. I don't think they would understand, and with Alexanders new found fascination/terror of death I don't know how to bring it up to him....How do you explain to young children that their Grandpa is going to die very soon? I don't know. Joseph has really come to love my Grandpa since we started going fishing out there last summer so I don't know if he will be kind of heart broken about that too..Luckily enough he is young and probably would not take it as hard as say Alexander will/would.

On a much happier note...
Potty training Dylan is going rather well. He has NOT been in a diaper at all. I haven't even put him in a pull-up yet today. He is staying in underwear or running around naked. He had one accident today but other than that he has been using the potty chair quite frequently. I am glad that after Dylan I only have one child to potty train ever again. Potty training is both joyous and very annoying! I'm hoping that by summer he will be fully potty trained and that we will be able to cut our diaper cost down to one child in diapers...What a wonderful day that will be!

John and I's dieting:
Our carb diet was not working out. We have decided to count our calories and still not drink soda. I know this is kind of hard for J because he drinks Pepsi and Mountain Dew like it's going out of style...But he has been doing pretty good so far. I've shown him the light of bottled water and flavoring...(0 of everything and tastes wonderful) Diet soda is okay on occasion.......Anyway..... We haven't gained anything but we have not lost anything more than we already had lost.... We have talked about getting a treadmill for the house and I think it sounds like a wonderful idea since neither of us are able to make it to the gym. So our weight loss journey continues! It's not going good but it's not going bad. We just have to keep pressing on!

By the way...Those of you who are reading this...If you have not received a invite to a "Meet Gavin" party please contact my mother in law or myself  if you think you should've got one. If you have got one please contact my MIL or myself and let us know if you are going to make it...Hope to see you around :)

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Oh, I just decided to write a bit...

Today is Dylan's birthday, he is two years old! We have 3 birthdays so close together it's pretty crazy and exciting at the same time. Today we celebrated his birthday with family and had a lot of fun! Tomorrow we will be taking Dylan for some special time with us to the Discovery Depot. I am really excited about this because I know that he will love it there. Alexander, Aiden, and Miley love it there..I wished that we could take all of the kids there but I figured it would be the perfect time to do some just Dylan bonding.

Aside from that everything is going pretty well! Gavin is still a wonderful baby! He is content with life and that makes me content with life haha. He deals with the other kids noise rather well which is awesome. He does not get bothered by sounds and stuff so we don't have to worry about saying "shhh! the baby is sleeping!" Very luxurious!

My husband and I have decided to go on a low carb diet. We have both struggled with our weights these past few years. He lost a good amount after he and his ex wife had split and I had done well too but then we both gained back, I got pregnant, and he gained along side with me (although I had only gained six lbs) I have lost 33 lbs so far and he has lost 12. I am so glad that we are doing this together..It makes it so much easier on myself to reach my goals if I have someone along side me rooting for me. ONCE AGAIN he has proven to be my rock and I'm so grateful.

This Friday my Mother has so graciously offered her Grandmothering (haha I know that's not a word) services to let John and myself have some us time. I am so excited for this! I am very nervous like I always am with my kids to leave him somewhere but I know he will be fine. I think it will be really good for us if we can do this at least once a month...Have our 'date night' if you will! Keep us going :)

Not much else is going on in our family...So I am out! Thanks for reading!