Sunday, August 28, 2011

Who is your God?

I will tell you my story as funny as it may sound to you. Some of you may roll your eyes at me and some of you may lift your hands to God and praise him. Some of you may completely ignore what I have to write and go on with your lives.

I was raised a Christian. As a matter of fact I grew up in a Pentecostal denomination church. Where people are baptized, speak in tongues, fall in the spirit, the whole bit. To an outsider it's terrifying. Seeing people speak some language that they have never even heard of and pass out on the floor as soon as someone touches their heads. Funny thing is, I know when I was a kid, I used to pretend I was speaking in tongues because it was fun and all of the adults were doing it..God did not speak to me in such a way for me to all of the sudden learn some kind of none-sense language. It was just that; none sense.

noting or pertaining to any of various Christian groups, usually fundamentalist, that emphasize the activity of the Holy Spirit, stress holiness of living, and express their religious feelings uninhibitedly, as by speaking in tongues.
When I was about five or so I had told my Mom I wanted to be baptized, and I was read Bible versus and baptized in my home boulevard apartment bath tub.

Probably far too soon I was traumatized when I was sexually abused by my step-father and after that my life changed for the worse. I started smoking, drinking, having sex, and denying God. I had a "serious" boyfriend who was totally atheist and I too had decided that I wanted to deny that Christ even existed. In the back of my mind I knew that God was real. But for whatever reason I had decided to tell the world that God wasn't real and everyone who believes in him is pathetic.. I listened to music about death, rape, and satanic rituals. I cut myself frequently and planned the perfect death. I did not care about dying because God wasn't real- neither was satan- and that was that. I would die and be gone from the pathetic excuse for this world and I did not care about how anyone else would feel. My Mom still made me go to church and I would find myself wearing things that would piss her off. I was rebelling against the world and my God-that "didn't exist."

When I got pregnant when I was 15 years of age, things slightly started to change. I started to try to perk up. I tried to go to church. I went and saw the passion of the Christ a little after my son Alexander was born and after that, my boyfriend & I broke up and my church going was still constant. But I still lived a huge life of sin. I still drank, I still smoked, I still was having sex (as obvious as that was) and I still hated God, My abuser, my Mom & my life even though I was "perking up" and the darkness started to go away little by little and the "Gothic" way that I was living started to go slowly but surely I was still in pain. I still longed to die.

I still struggled for the longest time on cutting. As a young Mother I was very depressed because I had ended up moving out of my Mom's house and moving in with a different boyfriend where I was shunned from the world. 16, no school, no job. Just me and my baby trying to make it alone in this world. I called upon the God that I denied and there was no one there for me. I thought that he had abandoned me too.

I buried myself in taking care of my baby and taking care of my boyfriend. I was pretending to be happy when I never was. I just wanted to be loved. That's all I ever wanted. I would have done anything and everything to make my boyfriend (who is my now ex husband) to be happy.

Off and on-off and on-off and on, I would go to church. I would tell everyone I was a Christian. But turn around and just go back to the same depressing routine of smoking, drinking, sex.

After I had gotten pregnant with my twins after I got married to my ex-husband things were going OK. I was still pretty depressed about my life since it was going absolutely no where. I wasn't even sure if I should have even gotten married. My new found husband didn't appreciate religion either and so it was very hard to pack up the kids and go to Church when he seemed to be so angry with God himself. My marriage, my life, everything went more into a downward spiral when I called upon God when my at the time husbands Father was dying on my first sons 3rd birthday (when I was pregnant with the twins). He died Februar 18th 2007. After that, My husband cheated on me with a girl whom I thought was my friend, God was no where to be found. I found myself hating him again. What kind of God sits back and lets all of these terrible things happen? I always wondered.

Fast forward to 2009. My marriage was complete shit (sorry if you mind cursing, I am not perfect, and I will still say things you don't like from time to time. Forewarning) I was extreemly obese and unhappy with 3 kids and a husband that I barely ever slept in the same bed with. My best friend was going through a divorce and having what I thought was a hard time (which I learned different soon after) and I supported her and got caught up in the mix of sex and threesomes to make my husband happy. When out of no where a bible verse popped into my head. AND A VOICE said to me..."If you do not stop, your marriage will be complete destroyed, and there is no turning back. There is NO fixing this." I completely ignored it. I can't tell you the exact verse as I am not very failure with the Bible. But it was about Sodom & Gomorrah. That was my warning. But I did not listen...and soon after my husband and my best friend messed around behind my back & that was the end of my marriage. I left. We got divorced.

Now some may say that is a blessing in disguise seeing as how I am happy now. But the fact is I ignored God's word and I ended a broken family which to this day I am still trying to mend my childrens lives from a divorce.

As I grow into a woman and as I have had many other life lessons with God I find myself being quite skeptical of the whole Christian Religion. I know that there is a God but I don't quite understand the rules that he has supposedly laid out for his. I don't understand the Bible & I don't understand why people live so faithfully by these stories. How do we know that any of this is true? Where is the proof? I do not know.

But I have found myself wondering about God and his greatness so much lately that the other day I had decided to give God a stab again. My Mother in Law , Stella, had been talking about how awesome her Church was (she had just found her faith again and I am so glad for her) so I thought to myself.."Why not?" and then my problems started. My plumbing went to crap. Theres money. My car stopped working. There was money. and I found myself crying in the bathroom at work talking to God.."Hello?! Are you there?! ARE YOU EVEN REAL? CAN YOU HELP ME?" In my upset time because of this money that was going to have to be dumped into all of these things. Luckily, my handy husband fixed my car. Things started to perk up. We still owe 111.00 for plumbing, but that still wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be.

Later on that evening sitting outside on my porch swing waiting for my son to come home from school, I prayed to God again. "Thank you, if you did answer my prayer, about the car thing, I don't know. But I do have a request, would you plant the seed in my husbands heart to learn more about you, I know that's impossible, but if you could, would you?" and when I picked up my husband from work..He plopped a book down that I had been meaning to read for Months called "23 minutes in hell." and I nonchalantly said to my husband something about "yeah I've been meaning to read that." and he said that he was going to read it. Woah, what? Really? Wow. Wow. Wow. My husband, I love him, but he is more skeptical about everything than I am. He doesn't even really believe in God. He isn't sure. He is very unsure. He doesn't believe in hell and for him to check out this book was very unusual. Then we talked about Church and he had said something about possibly, maybe, someday, going to check out a church.

While I am not holding my breath, the only thing I can do is pray and hope that he can find his way with me. I am not pushing and I am not going to change how I feel about my husband if he does not decide to go to Church and learn. But it would be an awful amazing thing to have a husband by my side learning, and even questioning if he wants to, about the creator of all things. I have never had that before. I can only hope.

By the way, the church I checked out today was quite awesome. They were laid back. Not flashy. Not pushy or arrogant, it was a nice change. and I took some of my Children to participate today for the first time and they LOVED it. They were excited about God and to me, that is OK. I want my children to have faith in something because I speak from experience when I say life without faith or hope is sad. and I want better for my kids.

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