Saturday, October 22, 2011

You are important. I am important.

There are just some days I don't want to get out of bed and do anything. There are some days where I just feel like "Why bother?" but most days I have been feeling pretty darn good.

So anyway, with trying to stay positive with things, I have been having a hard time. I have been battling myself with the way I look and battling myself with how things are done. Some days, like the past few days, I have been feeling so unappreciated and unimportant.

Tuesday, I think it was, I didn't go to work because Dylan was sick. His Mom was also sick so I stayed home with him. J has come into some work so he was unable to be home with him so I could go to work. (his job is seasonal so he is trying to find some things to do for a little extra $ since we are so broke) I didn't have a problem staying home with him at all, in fact, it was nice having some 1-1 bonding time with him while Gavin did his own thing.

Friday I was feeling a tad bit discouraged when after I had dropped the boys off, their Mom had thought she had pink eye and text messaged me shortly after I had dropped them off. I offered to leave work and come get them, but she wanted to spend some time with them since she doesn't get to see them much. With understanding, I waited around for some kind of response in what I was supposed to do. J, was still doing this odd job, so he was unable to be the one who is on stand by. I was ready to leave and go home by 1pm & I offered to come get them since she had mentioned that she didn't have gas to drop them off at home. I figured that I would be on that side of town anyway so I might as well offer, if she did have pink eye. It never really came out whether she had the eye infection or not but they were put in my care around 1:30ish and I had to pick up Alexander by 3pm. So anyway, I called J and told him I had all five kids since I got the boys early, and I wanted him to come home so I could go get Alex and not have to haul all 5 to the school. He was unable to & so I could feel my temper rising.

I sat there and I wondered where these people would be without me. I was so ticked off by that point because its extreemly frustrating to take the kids places by myself. I need someone to help me, you know? So while I was feeling sorry for myself I finally broke out and told J how I felt. I told him, you know, I may just be the step mom but I do a hell of a lot for these boys with little to no help from anyone most of the time. I feel like sometimes I am taken advantage of because I am so kind, and I will continue to be so kind. It's not the fact of what I had to do it was the POINT of it all. The point of doing everything by myself. So here I am, throwing a fit about this, and what I wasn't seeming to understand that all of my anger and frustration shouldn't have been taken out on my husband because he was out trying to earn money for our family since we have none.

I don't even really think that I was angry. I guess just a simple "Thank you" from people would be nice sometimes. When I do things for people, when I clearly don't have to do anything for them, I just would like to receive a simple thanks. That is all. I don't need a billboard or a dozen roses..Just some kind of appreciation for picking up the slack as I usually do. I may just be the step-mom, but this step mom does every single thing that she is supposed to do and more. If  I didn't do the things that I do I would be frowned upon, and when I do do the things I do, it's frowned upon. So it's a lose lose situation in my world.

I am important. No one else can tell me otherwise. My husband said to me, while I was throwing my fit, that I was the most important person in the world & that he loved me. That simple sentence just made all of the difference in the world. I don't care what anyone says, it's nice to be recognized sometimes. And sometimes, at the end of the day, when I hear 5 little I love yous (soon to be six, I'm sure) I know that is my recognition. And it makes it all worth it.

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