I have always struggled with my weight. I have never been that skinny little girl that you could toss around like a football. I have always had wide hips, big butt, and I have always been the tall one. Four children, a divorce, and too much junk food later I finally had that moment in my life where I was too embarrassed to be in public.
So my usual weight is 190-200 at almost 5 10. Even when I was at that weight I always had the usual mental breakdowns and things that a lot of girls go through in the world that we live in. When I had first gotten with my ex-husband I was in that bracket wearing a size 14/15 jean and looking pretty fly for just having a child. As the years went by, I had the twins, I had lost all that weight plus more...But the the unhappiness settled in I was wearing a size 22 jean and weighing a shocking 297 lbs by the time the twins were 1 year old.
So without trying to sound to repetitive I had started to lose weight when I had left Patrick and as the rumors flew by on 'how' I had lost my weight, I stopped and I had gained a good chunk of my weight back. I had weighed 260 by the time I was pregnant with Gavin and obviously that didn't matter because I was still getting made fun of by adults because of my ever growing baby belly/fat muffin top. The words stung, especially since I was pregnant and I was dreading gaining the baby weight that I knew I was going to gain. Being called a "heavy weight champion" by people who are older than me,a former friend, and people I do not know was very hurtful especially coming from someone who was a former chunk herself.
Anyway, after losing my six lbs I gained with Gavin plus the other 29 lbs going on the "lifestyle change" type of eating fad whatever that lasted a whole month and a half..I gained 10 lbs back and I was becoming depressed with myself again.
I would say that 40% of my friends are a lot smaller than me. I sometimes get embarrassed to be seen with my beautiful thin friends because of the simple fact that I feel like I am the token fat girl that every group needs. The other day my friend of almost 10 years informed me that for her bachlorette party day we would be going to a water park. At first I was OK with it, then I looked in the mirror and completely broke down. I absolutely couldn't handle the sight of myself. I had tried to look at my fatter day pictures to perk myself up and it did not work at all. Nothing in the world could make me feel better. After fighting with my husband on how I am "not perfect, I am fat, I am not beautiful, I am fat...and I hate myself and would rather die than be this way anymore." I had very long talk with two very important people in my life. My best friend Amber & Stella my Mother in Law.
They both had pretty much said the same things to me. It made me open my eyes to realize that I do not need to be a stick thin girl and that I actually would probably never be a stick thin girl. There are things about me that some women would love to have (hour glass figure and a big butt) I really just want to rid of this gut I have. I am fine with my butt. I am fine with my hips, and there is absolutely no fat on my ribs at all. It's once you get to this gut it's so terrible and I hate it. I still did not go swimming with my friends because I did not want to push my feel better luck...But I did enjoy myself with my thin and beautiful friends without feeling like the token fat girl.
Anyway, my husband and I have completely cut out fast food once more. We do not eat dinner after 5pm... As amazing as it sounds we have not had a problem doing so. I have lost 5 lbs since I started my portioning last week ( J has lost approx. 5 as well) and I am very happy about that. I need to lose 5 more to get back to where I was after I had lost my weight from Gavin. My husband sees that it makes me feel very good about myself when I work my butt off to lose the weight that I want to lose. I have been happier and while 5 lbs seems so small it makes a huge difference on how I do things every single day. My goal is to lose 1 whole person by the end of next year. I think that is a reasonable goal...NOT ONLY that, but my husband has agreed to give me the tummy tuck or other plastic surgery I may need after this transformation. I am young enough now so to me all of this does not seem pointless at all. I was to be able to run around the yard with my kids and not get winded after 10 minutes...and many other things that I get too tired to do after short amounts of time.
Being a Mother is a struggle....Being a Mother who isn't physically fit is even more, sometimes. I am getting my confidence back..I want my children to see that while beauty is in the eye of the ones who love you and God up above. But all the while I want them to be healthy. I also do not want my daughter to grow up hearing Mommy sob about how fat she is every day. That will not happen. So onward I go and I am stronger than ever. Thanks to my husband, family, and friends.
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