Friday, January 14, 2011

Emotional WRECK.

Not to sound like a complete and total loon here but I think that my husband and I are seriously emotionally exhausted. Seriously, though, how could you not be when you have 5 kids, work, remodeling the house...Etc

Like I have said time and time again my hormones are outrageous. This quite possibly has to be the oddest pregnancy I have ever had. I have a little over a month to go right now, thank God. One minute I am completely fine and the next I am having huge anxiety attacks.

Without going over the fine line of trying to keep things sacred and private...My husband and I were talking to each other (once again) before bed last night. Our bedroom seems to be our sanctuary. Anyway, I was going on and crying about how I was feeling quite down lately because of everything that has been handed to us. We have been facing trials once more that some may see as easy to overcome but I see it as something huge. Probably the mountain out of a molehill situation...Mostly old situations and some new situations we need to figure and what not. I never knew having a blended family would be so overwhelming like it is.

One of our first issues we had faced was the fact that Joseph and Dylan have been calling me Mom. I have been so lucky that they have taken to me as well as they have & I am glad that I am someone that they can seem to trust. I have been around for quite sometime now and that is probably why it became so easy. Not to mention the 3 children I have to make our family call me just what I am, Mom. It never was an issue for me because either Joe will call me Nikki or he will call me Mom. Whenever I am doing something, the answer is always "what?" or "yes?" never to correct him. It has been asked that John & I would correct him whenever we had called me that because it wasn't right or maybe it was disrespectful to his actual Mother.

While I 100% understand where the other party is coming from I do not know how to tell a 4 year old not to call me what he has chosen to call me. Sometimes Nikki...Sometimes Ma..Or Mom..Or Mommy. I don't even know how to correct an almost 2 year old, either. So....After thinking about it and becoming very distracted and overwhelmed with this issue and not to mention talking to several of my friends who are either the Step-Mom or the Mom that has to deal with Step-Moms I came to the conclusion to offer Joey what I was told I should offer him. I said to him "Hey, you know, if you want to call me Nikki and just call your Mom, Mom you really can." He kind of looked at me as if I was stupid and says to me "Nothing!" I told him, "you aren't in trouble, really, you can call me Nikki if you want..." Needless to say it was a short conversation between he and I and he just ran away and started to play with his toys. Every once and awhile I will say "Nikki..." or "Kiki" as Dylan has chosen to call me. But to no avale I haven't made any changes.

I don't know what to do. I'm at a complete loss for words. I am in love with two little boys that aren't mine and I consider myself lucky to have them in my lives. I will not push them away and I will absolutely not treat them any differently then I treat my 'own' children.... As I would suspect that whenever the boys Mother gets married and my kids Father gets married that they would be treated like gold by those Step-Parents.

Every once and awhile I'll catch Aiden, Alex or Miley call J "Dad." It's not very often that they do, and it does not bother me at all. Everyone knows how much my 3 worship Patrick so it has nothing to do with loving one more than the other. Parents love are unconditional and dare I say it, so are Step-Parents'...Especially when you are speaking of my husband and I's role as the 'step.' These 5 children as much as they drive us mad they are our lives and reasons for living no matter what role we are and no matter if we are John, Dad, Mom, or Nikki....We are fine with whatever we are called but our love will never change...and we both would NEVER try to replace the biological parents. Speaking for myself, I am not that kind of person and I am positive my husband isn't either.

Our second issue is my breast feeding. I am so terrified that I am not going to be able to keep up with breastfeeding and being able to be the kind of Mom/Step Mom I need to be to the other kids. I have also talked to friends about this and I think it is a common fear. It's like having those New Mother fears for her first child minus the 1st child part.

There were so many things I wanted to say but it seems I have gotten carried away and I don't want to make this blog any longer than it already is....So until next time.....

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