Wednesday, October 16, 2013

High Conflict Personality.

The blog that I had written before this last one I had mentioned the two more important thing to make your life not a living hell regarding dealing with ' the others' . Unfortunately, I had not been practicing those things recently. I've let myself slip into a bullshit mode and I am not exactly happy with it. Well, I should say I had..After my slip up of falling into the trap of the ex bullshit (with my ex)...I snapped back to reality.. I have recently been practicing my own advice to ignore any conflict between any ex's what-so-ever and it's been working out nicely.

I read this article today and I wanted to share it with my readers because I know that there's a lot of you that can appreciate this advice. This one piece of advice really opened my eyes because I had been trying so long to co-parent with everyone and it simply is not possible. Especially with the recent events that I had been dealing with my ex-husband and his new pleasant (ha) wife.

5. Stop Trying to Co-Parent
I have written before about the one-size-fits-all co-parenting model. Well-meaning, but misinformed therapists do targets of high-conflict personalities a huge disservice by advising them that they can, and should, co-parent. Certainly, an amicable co-parenting relationship is ideal for children. But attempts to co-parent with a narcissist or a borderline will keep you engaged in battle. You will forever be on the receiving end of intrusive, controlling, chaotic behaviors which will make you and your kids crazy.
Parallel parenting is the only paradigm that should be recommended to people with personality-disordered exes. This means that you give up the fantasy that you can have consistency between homes, or appear as a united front. The more high-conflict your ex is, the more you will need to separate yourself and your parenting. This may mean hosting separate birthday parties, scheduling separate parent-teacher conferences and not sharing what goes on in your house.
While you may feel that you are sending a terrible message to your children by limiting contact with their other parent, you are actually protecting them by minimizing the potential for conflict.
Targets of high-conflict personalities need to accept that it isn't wise to be "authentic" with their ex. Strategic, limited disclosures and iron-clad boundaries are essential tools in managing a high-conflict divorce. While it may seem paradoxical, true authenticity comes from holding on to one's sense of self while gracefully disengaging from a narcissist.

When I had been trying so hard...Too hard, really, to co-parent I had been setting myself up for his up and down and all around personality & in the end...Guess who ended up getting hurt? Me. I allowed myself to do that and I will never do that again. 
Let me give you an example on what not to do, using your my own experience.

Example #1
At the time girlfriend of the ex had text messaging me asking me to do a favor for her and my ex husband. This woman and I have not gotten along since we were children. She is someone who is also a high conflict person and she is also considered a narcissist.  However, these past four years of my ex and his on again off again relationship I've tried to make it work.  I reached out to her for the millionth time telling her I was tired of the bull and I would really like to be able to co-parent with her and my ex husband and I also had reassured her that there's nothing between Patrick and I. You see, she throws a fit whenever I talk to my ex husband because she, for whatever reason, thinks we're going to fall in love again and get back together.

But shortly after that she had started bath mouthing me and I had found out about it and I had of course, fell into the trap and felt like I needed to defend myself. Stupid....Stupid...Stupid.

A) Someone who has never lked you is never going to like you. Do not fall into the trap of thinking things will be better when they're speaking nicely to you. They are the ones who will turn around and say something terrible about you as soon as you turn your back.

B) Never fell the need to defend yourself. If you know that they're lying, they're lying. Who are they lying to? People that do not know you. If you don't know these people....They don't matter.

Example #2
Shortly after the events up above my ex husband had started speaking to me again. He and his girlfriend had broke up. He had told me to not let the children around his ex girlfriend because of her ongoing drug problem. I listened to him and for those 4 days we co-parented really well, but it was only because I was pretty much the only one that was willing to listen to his upsets---or at least he knew he would get sympathy from me.

Just as I thought things were going well with him I had text messaged him about almost 9 one night to speak to him about some dance thing Miley was wanting to do. I didn't think the time would be an issue, but little did I know my ex husband and gotten back with that very girl he told me had a drug problem and "he wouldn't be friends with her until she was clean." and that next day he told me that I needed to stop talking to him and he was back to the same ol' man he usually has been.

My first mistake was letting him talk to me about his relationship problems.
My second mistake was actually thinking he would hold up on his end by keeping the children away from a drug addict.

And the biggest mistake I made was when I had called him out on getting married to her two weeks after he had told me to keep them away from her. Although, it did open my eyes. Because I am no longer practicing co-parenting with him. I let him know the staples of the childrens lives as far as school and sporting events go and I try to keep conversation as minimal as possible. NOT because he told me to, but because I don't want to. I will not allow myself to be his mental punching bag.

Since deciding to no longer try to 'make things work' and ignore him, I've been so much more happier. It might be hard at first because if you're like me you love to have everything work out...But sometimes things just don't. Let it go....and things will be better.

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