I've got about 10 minutes to write this so I will make it short, sweet, and to the point!
First of all, my first born Alexander is SEVEN now. There aren't any words to describe how crazy I think that is! He has grown so much and it seems like so much has changed these past seven years. We celebrated Alexanders birthday with family and friends on the 12th. We had a lot of fun playing a game of bowling and he got a strike so he was totally stoked about that. It really didn't cost as much as I thought it would so that was awesome!
Then, as most of you know, I was scheduled to have my c-section on the 16th and I did. Gavin Benjamin was born at 7:45am and he was 9 lbs 2oz and 21 inches long. He simply was perfect. J and I could not be more happy that now our family is complete. The awesome thing about this birth was I actually got to kiss my son when he was born. The anesthesiologist was my best friend, she spoke up for me when I wanted to see my baby! Our family is now complete!
I did have a tubal ligation. While I sometimes touch my belly and kind of feel 'empty' to know I will never harbor a child there again (I say that and get teary eyed) I know that is how my husband and I want it and it was a good decision for our family.
Breastfeeding- I am not breastfeeding anymore. I tried breastfeeding for 3 days and John and I both decided that it wasn't for me. I tried with Alexander and I was young, going to school, etc etc I didn't continue. With the twins I did not try at all and this last time I was very excited and pumped and ready. But after the 3rd day and my breasts were blistering because he wasn't latching right, he wasn't getting anything at all, he was sucking so hard his poor lips bruised, and I did not sleep for anything...We went to bottle. I cried for a very long time. Not only did I feel like I was letting my son down, I felt like I was letting my husband down and my self down. It was not an easy decision to make..It was one of the harder ones I've had to make.
The rest of the bunch- Alex, Aiden, and Miley got the opportunity to come up to the hospital and see us. They seriously loved Gavin so much (as they still do ) and I am glad they got the experience. Joseph and Dylan did not get to share the same experience because they were battling an upper respiratory infection. But as the other parents weekends ended on Sunday the boys and the rest of the kids got to come home. Dylans first words were "hi baby!" then soon after "shut up baby!" But now he is coming around more. He really loves to hold him after taking a few hours getting used to the fact that there isn't a baby in my belly anymore and that it's in our house. Joseph still hasn't held Gavin yet. He is being very shy...Every once and awhile I will catch him looking at him and he will talk about him to John, but that is about it. I think it will take him a little while to adjust to another boy in the house. I was kind of worried at first that they didn't show any interest like the other 3 did and still do...But I think its just going to take some time.
Well, this took a little longer than I wanted it to and it's time for me to get off and spend some time with my wonderful husband who has been very supportive and helpful to me! I love you!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Blizzard blues
Here it is late Thursday morning and I thought I would write a blog. I don't know if I have anything that is worth writing about or anyone to read about but I figured what the hay...Might as well let some of my thoughts out since I have not a thing better to do.
So there has not been school since Monday. This blizzard or whatever you want to call it started Tuesday afternoon so they canceled school all together. I haven't been out of the house since Monday afternoon and I seriously feel like I am losing my mind. We stocked up on groceries and things and prepared for the worst. Thank God that we did that and didn't blow it off like a few people I know did. Yesterday Patrick took the 3 kids for the day so that kind of gave not only myself a break but all of the kids a break from each other. 5 kids under the age of 8 it gets pretty crazy around here. I'm just glad that he lives in Knoxville for the time being otherwise they would have been stuck here again.... So I was really glad and thankful for that.
In the meantime I have realized that the children have tested my patience. The time out chair has gotten a lot of use, there has only been one good argument between J and I, and I have only had a few contractions.
Although, I feel like this snow in has made me learn more about the children..and they have learned new things being shut in. Joey knows how to spell his name first and last...Aidens speech has slightly improved (and I also have been thinking about some things with him but that's for another time) and Dylan's vocabulary has expanded so greatly I am in such awe...We have learned that Miley IS in fact the queen of the pack and Alexander is our super speller. J quizzed him just the other day on several words and he knew them all....He's ready for a spelling bee :)
That doesn't change the fact they are driving me nuts...But I will take the good with the bad.
aaaannnddd H ELLO!!!! My baby that is causing me so much discomfort is going to be here in THIRTEEN DAYS! I am like seriously...oh-em-geeing here. I'm not so much panicking for things we need because I just ordered his bed set and it should be here the day before he is born at the latest (crossing my fingers that it comes before that) and also my Grandma ordered the car seat online that we wanted (so happy) and those were the two main things we needed. I am very happy. His room is almost done (we are waiting for the weekend) and the boys rooms are almost done (again, waiting for the weekend) and then we should be set.
I am considering taking some of my laundry that seems to never diminish to a family members house so there will at least a smaller amount of laundry when the baby comes home that I could do while I am recovering from surgery. It's all a process. 13 days we will be going from 5 to 6 and I could not be more scared but excited!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
My party years are over and I am fine with that.
So I have been looking at pictures lately from my past and my husband seemed to be kind of down about it. He had said "sorry" to me while I was looking at the photographs and I couldn't really pin point why he should've been sorry. I guess he thought I had missed the way things were, but he was mistaken.
As a young Mom of already 3 I think I probably did a little bit too much of the 'party' life. I probably would go out once or twice a month sometimes three or 4. That isn't exactly a lot but when you have young children like I do, it really is. My ex-husband and I ran a promotions for bands and that is mainly why we were out as much as we were. That was the only thing that my ex husband and I could connect on was music and promoting music from all around the united states (with a lot of help from friends/bands as well)...It was a thrill bringing bands in from all over to come to our small city and having an amazing turn out for shows.
But as fun as it was, I have given up that life and I won't ever go back. I've been asked if Pat and I would ever join together and do what we did again and the answer is a straight shot-no. Not because I don't think it would be fun, but I have more things in life to worry about.
There are some times where I wished that I could go out and just not worry about anything. But fact is, going out is just asking for a lot of money to be spent and probably run in to someone you'd rather not run in to. John and I did go out a few times on the weekends that we didn't have the children. But now that Gavin is going to be born, and I will be breastfeeding, all of that just seems meaningless to me. I am not one of those people that feel "lame" because I am home with my kids on a Saturday night. In fact, I would preferr it. New Years Eve we had a lot of fun with the kids and we made memories...Like "cat drinks." :) I also feel like John & I need to be the ones to set examples for the children by showing that you can go out and have fun and NOT drink. Like maybe go to dinner and a movie...Or find something else to do.
I'm not saying I won't ever go out again, because at times I will want to. I am not saying I am never going to have a drink, because sometimes I will want to....and not to sound like a nerd or anything but I really enjoy going to my in-laws and watching movies...Shooting the shit...and having a drink (whenever I'm not pregnant I guess :P)
The life I had is gone for a reason...Being Mom and Step Mom is #1 for me and I do not have any regrets.
As a young Mom of already 3 I think I probably did a little bit too much of the 'party' life. I probably would go out once or twice a month sometimes three or 4. That isn't exactly a lot but when you have young children like I do, it really is. My ex-husband and I ran a promotions for bands and that is mainly why we were out as much as we were. That was the only thing that my ex husband and I could connect on was music and promoting music from all around the united states (with a lot of help from friends/bands as well)...It was a thrill bringing bands in from all over to come to our small city and having an amazing turn out for shows.
But as fun as it was, I have given up that life and I won't ever go back. I've been asked if Pat and I would ever join together and do what we did again and the answer is a straight shot-no. Not because I don't think it would be fun, but I have more things in life to worry about.
There are some times where I wished that I could go out and just not worry about anything. But fact is, going out is just asking for a lot of money to be spent and probably run in to someone you'd rather not run in to. John and I did go out a few times on the weekends that we didn't have the children. But now that Gavin is going to be born, and I will be breastfeeding, all of that just seems meaningless to me. I am not one of those people that feel "lame" because I am home with my kids on a Saturday night. In fact, I would preferr it. New Years Eve we had a lot of fun with the kids and we made memories...Like "cat drinks." :) I also feel like John & I need to be the ones to set examples for the children by showing that you can go out and have fun and NOT drink. Like maybe go to dinner and a movie...Or find something else to do.
I'm not saying I won't ever go out again, because at times I will want to. I am not saying I am never going to have a drink, because sometimes I will want to....and not to sound like a nerd or anything but I really enjoy going to my in-laws and watching movies...Shooting the shit...and having a drink (whenever I'm not pregnant I guess :P)
The life I had is gone for a reason...Being Mom and Step Mom is #1 for me and I do not have any regrets.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Emotional WRECK.
Not to sound like a complete and total loon here but I think that my husband and I are seriously emotionally exhausted. Seriously, though, how could you not be when you have 5 kids, work, remodeling the house...Etc
Like I have said time and time again my hormones are outrageous. This quite possibly has to be the oddest pregnancy I have ever had. I have a little over a month to go right now, thank God. One minute I am completely fine and the next I am having huge anxiety attacks.
Without going over the fine line of trying to keep things sacred and private...My husband and I were talking to each other (once again) before bed last night. Our bedroom seems to be our sanctuary. Anyway, I was going on and crying about how I was feeling quite down lately because of everything that has been handed to us. We have been facing trials once more that some may see as easy to overcome but I see it as something huge. Probably the mountain out of a molehill situation...Mostly old situations and some new situations we need to figure and what not. I never knew having a blended family would be so overwhelming like it is.
One of our first issues we had faced was the fact that Joseph and Dylan have been calling me Mom. I have been so lucky that they have taken to me as well as they have & I am glad that I am someone that they can seem to trust. I have been around for quite sometime now and that is probably why it became so easy. Not to mention the 3 children I have to make our family call me just what I am, Mom. It never was an issue for me because either Joe will call me Nikki or he will call me Mom. Whenever I am doing something, the answer is always "what?" or "yes?" never to correct him. It has been asked that John & I would correct him whenever we had called me that because it wasn't right or maybe it was disrespectful to his actual Mother.
While I 100% understand where the other party is coming from I do not know how to tell a 4 year old not to call me what he has chosen to call me. Sometimes Nikki...Sometimes Ma..Or Mom..Or Mommy. I don't even know how to correct an almost 2 year old, either. So....After thinking about it and becoming very distracted and overwhelmed with this issue and not to mention talking to several of my friends who are either the Step-Mom or the Mom that has to deal with Step-Moms I came to the conclusion to offer Joey what I was told I should offer him. I said to him "Hey, you know, if you want to call me Nikki and just call your Mom, Mom you really can." He kind of looked at me as if I was stupid and says to me "Nothing!" I told him, "you aren't in trouble, really, you can call me Nikki if you want..." Needless to say it was a short conversation between he and I and he just ran away and started to play with his toys. Every once and awhile I will say "Nikki..." or "Kiki" as Dylan has chosen to call me. But to no avale I haven't made any changes.
I don't know what to do. I'm at a complete loss for words. I am in love with two little boys that aren't mine and I consider myself lucky to have them in my lives. I will not push them away and I will absolutely not treat them any differently then I treat my 'own' children.... As I would suspect that whenever the boys Mother gets married and my kids Father gets married that they would be treated like gold by those Step-Parents.
Every once and awhile I'll catch Aiden, Alex or Miley call J "Dad." It's not very often that they do, and it does not bother me at all. Everyone knows how much my 3 worship Patrick so it has nothing to do with loving one more than the other. Parents love are unconditional and dare I say it, so are Step-Parents'...Especially when you are speaking of my husband and I's role as the 'step.' These 5 children as much as they drive us mad they are our lives and reasons for living no matter what role we are and no matter if we are John, Dad, Mom, or Nikki....We are fine with whatever we are called but our love will never change...and we both would NEVER try to replace the biological parents. Speaking for myself, I am not that kind of person and I am positive my husband isn't either.
Our second issue is my breast feeding. I am so terrified that I am not going to be able to keep up with breastfeeding and being able to be the kind of Mom/Step Mom I need to be to the other kids. I have also talked to friends about this and I think it is a common fear. It's like having those New Mother fears for her first child minus the 1st child part.
There were so many things I wanted to say but it seems I have gotten carried away and I don't want to make this blog any longer than it already is....So until next time.....
Like I have said time and time again my hormones are outrageous. This quite possibly has to be the oddest pregnancy I have ever had. I have a little over a month to go right now, thank God. One minute I am completely fine and the next I am having huge anxiety attacks.
Without going over the fine line of trying to keep things sacred and private...My husband and I were talking to each other (once again) before bed last night. Our bedroom seems to be our sanctuary. Anyway, I was going on and crying about how I was feeling quite down lately because of everything that has been handed to us. We have been facing trials once more that some may see as easy to overcome but I see it as something huge. Probably the mountain out of a molehill situation...Mostly old situations and some new situations we need to figure and what not. I never knew having a blended family would be so overwhelming like it is.
One of our first issues we had faced was the fact that Joseph and Dylan have been calling me Mom. I have been so lucky that they have taken to me as well as they have & I am glad that I am someone that they can seem to trust. I have been around for quite sometime now and that is probably why it became so easy. Not to mention the 3 children I have to make our family call me just what I am, Mom. It never was an issue for me because either Joe will call me Nikki or he will call me Mom. Whenever I am doing something, the answer is always "what?" or "yes?" never to correct him. It has been asked that John & I would correct him whenever we had called me that because it wasn't right or maybe it was disrespectful to his actual Mother.
While I 100% understand where the other party is coming from I do not know how to tell a 4 year old not to call me what he has chosen to call me. Sometimes Nikki...Sometimes Ma..Or Mom..Or Mommy. I don't even know how to correct an almost 2 year old, either. So....After thinking about it and becoming very distracted and overwhelmed with this issue and not to mention talking to several of my friends who are either the Step-Mom or the Mom that has to deal with Step-Moms I came to the conclusion to offer Joey what I was told I should offer him. I said to him "Hey, you know, if you want to call me Nikki and just call your Mom, Mom you really can." He kind of looked at me as if I was stupid and says to me "Nothing!" I told him, "you aren't in trouble, really, you can call me Nikki if you want..." Needless to say it was a short conversation between he and I and he just ran away and started to play with his toys. Every once and awhile I will say "Nikki..." or "Kiki" as Dylan has chosen to call me. But to no avale I haven't made any changes.
I don't know what to do. I'm at a complete loss for words. I am in love with two little boys that aren't mine and I consider myself lucky to have them in my lives. I will not push them away and I will absolutely not treat them any differently then I treat my 'own' children.... As I would suspect that whenever the boys Mother gets married and my kids Father gets married that they would be treated like gold by those Step-Parents.
Every once and awhile I'll catch Aiden, Alex or Miley call J "Dad." It's not very often that they do, and it does not bother me at all. Everyone knows how much my 3 worship Patrick so it has nothing to do with loving one more than the other. Parents love are unconditional and dare I say it, so are Step-Parents'...Especially when you are speaking of my husband and I's role as the 'step.' These 5 children as much as they drive us mad they are our lives and reasons for living no matter what role we are and no matter if we are John, Dad, Mom, or Nikki....We are fine with whatever we are called but our love will never change...and we both would NEVER try to replace the biological parents. Speaking for myself, I am not that kind of person and I am positive my husband isn't either.
Our second issue is my breast feeding. I am so terrified that I am not going to be able to keep up with breastfeeding and being able to be the kind of Mom/Step Mom I need to be to the other kids. I have also talked to friends about this and I think it is a common fear. It's like having those New Mother fears for her first child minus the 1st child part.
There were so many things I wanted to say but it seems I have gotten carried away and I don't want to make this blog any longer than it already is....So until next time.....
Monday, December 27, 2010
This, that, & the other.
First of all, I hope all my readers & friends had a very happy holiday weekend. Everything went quite smooth & I am very glad that it did. My house is filled with more toys than I know what to do with & so this week we are going to have to go through a lot of them to pitch the no good ones.
I have been thinking a lot about how I am about ready to become a Mom again. I am Mom & Step-Mom right now... I have been helping J raise his two boys since I have lived here and it was quite the transition from 3 to 5. Now I'm going from 5 to 6. The way things are ran here are about to change drastically and I am very afraid to raise a new born again. We have a routine here, a very strict routine that of course gets broken every other weekend & we have to re-build but recently it hasn't be as hard to reconstruct the way things are around here. I am trying to remind myself that if I can go from 3 to 5 and build our routine in a short amount of time it shouldn't be too hard to add one more to the bunch and figure out how to go from there.
I have been trying to distract myself with other peoples problems and drama than thinking about my own I guess. I don't have anything that's a HUGE problem in my life right now...Mainly thinking about money. I have a baby coming, 4 months after that I am going to be in a wedding (and I think about every day about coming up with the $$$ to pay off my dress) and in the midst of all of this we are now going to be starting our other project (Making more bedrooms which ACTUALLY needs to be done in 1 MONTH I don't know if someone has forgotten about that?) I just like to sit here and worry myself to death all of the time.
pppffttthhht.
I have been thinking a lot about how I am about ready to become a Mom again. I am Mom & Step-Mom right now... I have been helping J raise his two boys since I have lived here and it was quite the transition from 3 to 5. Now I'm going from 5 to 6. The way things are ran here are about to change drastically and I am very afraid to raise a new born again. We have a routine here, a very strict routine that of course gets broken every other weekend & we have to re-build but recently it hasn't be as hard to reconstruct the way things are around here. I am trying to remind myself that if I can go from 3 to 5 and build our routine in a short amount of time it shouldn't be too hard to add one more to the bunch and figure out how to go from there.
I have been trying to distract myself with other peoples problems and drama than thinking about my own I guess. I don't have anything that's a HUGE problem in my life right now...Mainly thinking about money. I have a baby coming, 4 months after that I am going to be in a wedding (and I think about every day about coming up with the $$$ to pay off my dress) and in the midst of all of this we are now going to be starting our other project (Making more bedrooms which ACTUALLY needs to be done in 1 MONTH I don't know if someone has forgotten about that?) I just like to sit here and worry myself to death all of the time.
pppffttthhht.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Things are just swell...
Everything seems to be falling right into place. Our back room is finally done, thank God, we still have trim to put up and that is about it. That will cost a little less than $100.00 so that makes me super happy. Christmas shopping is almost done & today we found out when we are going to welcome our last child into the world!
I went to the doctor today and I have gained 2 lbs so far into this pregnancy. It's about time, really, because I have been sick the whole entire journey and I would like to think at 29 weeks my sickness would subside and I would be able to be healthy. Other than that she didn't really give me any good information. She pretty much reamed into me because I haven't had the flu shot yet. Honestly, I don't feel like pumping my body with a bunch of toxins that have been known to kill people so I don't think I will be receiving the flu shot. I had asked her when I was going to see Doctor Piper again and she had informed me that I wouldn't be having Dr. Piper this surgery that I would be having the new doctor, doctor Baum. If anyone has any information on this Dr. Baum that would be amazing. I haven't even met her yet! She is going to be delivering my baby in 9 weeks and 6 days. Luckily, I have started going to the Dr. twice a month now so I will be meeting her on the 23rd. I have a lot of questions to ask her!
A dilemma we faced today was the due date. They scheduled it without even asking me what *I* wanted. Alexanders birthday is on February 17th and they scheduled my delivery for the 16th.My actual due date is February 23, 2011. I really wanted to deliver the baby on February 9th, as it has a sentimental value for J and his family. J's Grandpa always said he had wanted to have a Grandchild on his birthday. Although he has passed some time ago, he is still alive in the families hearts, and not a day goes by that I don't hear all the magnificent stories of this man that I will never be able to met. Anyway, the Dr.'s will not let me have the baby 2 weeks early and I have to be stuck with the 16th as a date. I was afraid that Alexander would be very upset that he would probably have to share a birthday party with Gavin when the time comes, but the only thing he was really bummed out about was that I would be in the hospital on his birthday. So, I decided that if Alex wanted to, he could come up to the hospital and do something there. He thought that was an awesome idea so that is probably what we are going to do. A week before that I think we will have a birthday bash for Alexander. So it's not so bad, I don't think.
That's all to report I think! Thanks for reading. I get a lot of hits on my profile each day so please do not make yourself a stranger.
I went to the doctor today and I have gained 2 lbs so far into this pregnancy. It's about time, really, because I have been sick the whole entire journey and I would like to think at 29 weeks my sickness would subside and I would be able to be healthy. Other than that she didn't really give me any good information. She pretty much reamed into me because I haven't had the flu shot yet. Honestly, I don't feel like pumping my body with a bunch of toxins that have been known to kill people so I don't think I will be receiving the flu shot. I had asked her when I was going to see Doctor Piper again and she had informed me that I wouldn't be having Dr. Piper this surgery that I would be having the new doctor, doctor Baum. If anyone has any information on this Dr. Baum that would be amazing. I haven't even met her yet! She is going to be delivering my baby in 9 weeks and 6 days. Luckily, I have started going to the Dr. twice a month now so I will be meeting her on the 23rd. I have a lot of questions to ask her!
A dilemma we faced today was the due date. They scheduled it without even asking me what *I* wanted. Alexanders birthday is on February 17th and they scheduled my delivery for the 16th.My actual due date is February 23, 2011. I really wanted to deliver the baby on February 9th, as it has a sentimental value for J and his family. J's Grandpa always said he had wanted to have a Grandchild on his birthday. Although he has passed some time ago, he is still alive in the families hearts, and not a day goes by that I don't hear all the magnificent stories of this man that I will never be able to met. Anyway, the Dr.'s will not let me have the baby 2 weeks early and I have to be stuck with the 16th as a date. I was afraid that Alexander would be very upset that he would probably have to share a birthday party with Gavin when the time comes, but the only thing he was really bummed out about was that I would be in the hospital on his birthday. So, I decided that if Alex wanted to, he could come up to the hospital and do something there. He thought that was an awesome idea so that is probably what we are going to do. A week before that I think we will have a birthday bash for Alexander. So it's not so bad, I don't think.
That's all to report I think! Thanks for reading. I get a lot of hits on my profile each day so please do not make yourself a stranger.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Someone is 4 today!
We had another round of small stomach problems for the past two days. J and I were up at 2 am with this particular birthday boy watching Ben 10 after a huge throw up scene. He had been keeping things down for lunch but dinner must have not agreed! But he is acting so much better later on today after sleep. Let's hope it stays that way and that no one else doesn't get this throw up stomach bug.
Anyway, Happy Birthday to Joseph!
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